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The Girlfriend

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The girlfriend.  She strikes terror in the heart of divorced mothers everywhere.  When your ex gets a girlfriend it’s challenging enough to deal with your own emotions, but when the girlfriend is suddenly a big part of your child’s life, it’s hard to know how to react.

If Your Kids Are Ga-Ga About the Girlfriend

If your child likes the girlfriend, you know that at least things aren’t completely miserable during visitation.  But just because your child is happy doesn’t mean you’re happy.  What do you do if the girlfriend gets too involved with your kids, allows things you wouldn’t, and seems to be creating an emotional attachment with your child?   The first thing to do is just give the entire situation some time.  Girlfriends come and go and this might be over before you can say ‘tramp.’

On the other hand, if the girlfriend has some staying power, there are some things you can do.  First off, don’t talk negatively about her in front of your child.  You don’t want to position yourself as against the girlfriend.  If you have real, solid concerns, the person to talk to is your ex.  If your child is not being properly cared for, it’s on his head.  It can be hard to approach your ex about this without getting confrontational, so you have to stick strictly to the facts and not get caught up in your feelings.

It’s also a good idea to make some inroads with the girlfriend herself.  Try to be friendly and get to know her.  It is possible to develop a relationship with her, and often, if she’s a decent person, she can influence the way your ex behaves, so getting to know her is a good way to change his behavior.

Remember that no one can take your place with your child, ever.  It’s ok for your kids to enjoy someone else’s company.  It’s good for kids to have healthy relationships with other adults.  And if your ex ends up marrying her, it will be a good thing that she and your kids developing a friendly relationship.  However, don’t allow the girlfriend to be in charge of visitation.  That is something that you and your ex must negotiate together.  It’s not her right or place to make arrangements with you.

Another common complaint is that the ex and the girlfriend are too “friendly” in front of the kids.  If you get eyewitness reports of adult behavior, there is a problem.  Some hugging and kissing is fine, but if they’re making out in front of your kids, you need to say something.  Politely but firmly remind your ex of what behavior is appropriate in front of the kids and what is not.

If Your Kids Hate the Girlfriend

What if your kids don’t like the girlfriend?  Some children feel as if their dad spends too much time focusing on the girlfriend and ignores them.  Some feel the girlfriend is mean or doesn’t like them.  If the girlfriend has her own kids, it can complicate things when your children are expected to take part in this new mixed family.  If you feel that your kids’ complaints are valid, it is ok to have a talk with your ex and explain that while you don’t have a problem with the girlfriend, the kids are having a hard time adjusting.  Don’t point fingers or suggest the girlfriend is a hussy (even if you think she is).  Instead make this about how the kids are feeling and say that you want to think of ways together to help them be more comfortable.  Keep your conversation focused on what is best for the kids, and not about your own personal opinions.

No matter what the situation, you have no authority to tell your ex that the girlfriend can’t be there during visitation.  If there is a serious problem with the kind of supervision that is happening, you have to talk to your lawyer and possibly return to court, but you won’t get any support from the court unless you have some solid evidence that your kids are in danger (physically or emotionally) when with the ex and his girlfriend.

 

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Could Nesting Work for Your Family?

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Instead of getting a divorce and having two separate homes the kids rotate through, nesting is a newer concept where the kids remain in the existing family home and the parents take turns staying there. Some parents each get their own new place and rarely some will share one other place that they are never actually in together. Often parents rotate on an every other week schedule, but any schedule that works for the parents is definitely possible.

The idea is that the kids remain safe and sound in the “nest” or family home. Their living arrangements don’t change and they aren’t shuttled around from place to place. It allows the kids to have a more stable environment and familiar surroundings as they adjust to the divorce. The children experience as little disruption as possible and can continue with the same school, same activities, same schedule, and essentially the same life as prior to the divorce. The benefits of that are huge.

Nesting can be quite expensive though. Maintaining the existing family home as well two additional homes is a huge financial burden most families cannot take on. Nesting can also be challenging for the parents. You’re sharing a home with your ex even though you’re never there together. You don’t actually see each other (except for planned meetings or occasionally passing on your way out) yet you’re sharing a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and living area. All of the conflicts you had about not doing things the same way or disagreeing about how a household should be run will continue.

It can also be difficult to uproot yourself every other week and stay someplace else. Packing clothes, work things, toiletries, medications, and everything else each week can result in some giant mix-ups.

Another challenge is that after divorce, it’s common for the parents to gradually evolve and make some changes about who they are, what they think, and how they live their lives. This is often gradually reflected in parenting styles that can change. If this happens during nesting it can be confusing for kids who may find the parents suddenly are implementing different rules within the same home (Mom says no eating in the family room, but Dad says it’s ok, for example).

I worked with some families who tried nesting and most found that it worked as a short-term transitional method. It wasn’t something they wanted to do long-term, but they found that for a few months to a year after the divorce it was a great way to help their kids adjust and also give themselves time to figure out what to do with the family home and to find other places to live permanently.

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Coping with the Parenting Plan

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Setting up and living with a parenting plan is a big change for everyone. All of you must get used to a new schedule. Working through the new plan takes time. You need to readjust your weekly rhythm and perhaps make adjustments to other activities in your life to make the schedule workable. Perhaps the hardest part though, is learning to handle how you feel about visitation.

It’s Normal

You might be totally overwhelmed with the emotions you’re going through as you adjust to and live with visitation. There is no “right” way to react. Everyone handles this in their own way and in their own time. You need to be patient with yourself, accept the various emotions you are feeling, and try to go with the flow. There’s nothing weird about you for having a myriad of feelings about the situation.

Don’t Feel Guilty

You might experience some feelings that bother you. It is normal, for instance, to have very strong negative emotions about your ex. It is also normal to sometimes feel excited about having some scheduled time alone, away from your child. It is also ok if you feel angry or resentful towards your child – for enjoying time with the other parent, for not worrying about you, or for making things difficult. Feeling or thinking these things does not make you a bad person or parent. It is healthy to feel these things and try to find a way to accept them and get through them.

How to Cope

If you feel like you’re drowning and don’t think you will ever be ok with the parenting plan, there is hope. First of all, if you don’t have a therapist, get one. Having someone to talk to who can help you work through problems and find solutions can be invaluable. It is also important to take things one day at a time. If you look ahead and wonder how you can ever cope with years and years of this schedule, you will feel overwhelmed. Instead, try to get through today and this week only. Try not to focus on your anger and resentment, instead think about what you can do right now to move ahead and get through the day in a positive way.

Dealing with Missing Your Child

As you first adjust to the schedule, and even in the years to come, there will be days when you will miss your child while he or she is with the other parent. Remind yourself that spending time with the other parent is a healthy and important thing for your child to do. Find other things to do during these times, so that you can begin to find some fulfillment, or at least distraction.  No matter how hard you work at it though, there will be times when you ache to be with your child. During those times, there is nothing wrong with calling, texting, or emailing your child. Remember, however, to keep your conversation light and do not dump your loneliness and sadness on your child.

Getting Through Anger at Your Ex

Even if your divorce or separation was handled in a somewhat amicable way, cooperating as parents can cause strains and tensions. There will be times when you will be angry at your child’s other parent. The best way to try to handle this is without involving your ex or your child. Scream and cry, unload onto your friends, throw pillows at your wall, do whatever you have to do to release steam. However, getting into a shouting match or a war with your ex will only make things worse. It will make it harder to work together as parents and it will be hurtful and difficult for your child, who will feel as if he or she is in the middle. Try to partition these feelings and keep them away from your child and as removed as possible in your dealings with your ex.

Making a New Life

A parenting plan gives new shape and definition to your life. Embracing that new direction can help you feel as if you have a grip on things. You may never completely love your parenting schedule or feel completely adjusted to life as a single parent, but you can move forward and try to put a positive spin on the situation.

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