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You Fed Him WHAT? Special Diets and Co-Parenting Solutions

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If you’re one of the many parents raising a child with a food allergy or special diet needs, the thought of sending your child off with your ex for visitation or parenting time may make your stomach clench with worry. Will the other parent make sure he stays away from dangerous food items? Will the other parent be as vigilant as you are to follow your child’s special diet? These concerns are real, particularly when food choices can be so confusing with so many potentially serious consequences. Follow these steps to ensure your child’s needs are met while with the other parent.

 

Educate

The very first step is to educate the other parent. Ask him to come to a doctor or nutritionist appointment with you and your child, or offer to set one up at his convenience. The most important thing you can do is have a professional stress the importance of your child’s diet and lay out all the dos and don’ts associated with food. You might be able to tell your ex everything he needs to know, but it’s all going to carry more weight coming from a professional in a position of authority. It’s very important that the medical professional tell your ex what the consequences are of NOT following the prescribed diet, so he cannot just brush off the advice.

 

Reinforce

Provide your ex with a clearly written sheet of dos and don’ts. For example, if you child is a celiac, you could print out a list from the internet detailing surprising foods that often have hidden gluten. If your child is allergic to tree nuts, a list of unexpected places those can be found would be helpful. The same goes for lactose intolerance or other allergies. A list of no-no foods is very helpful, but also make a list of foods, brands, and products that are safe for your child to eat, particularly if you have your child on a diet such as one to control or reverse autism. Remind your ex that he must be ever vigilant when eating at restaurants or at other people’s homes with your child. Teach him how to ask – and what to ask– about food that is being offered to your child. Sow him how to read labels when shopping. Give suggestions about what alternatives to offer your child when she wants something she can’t have. In the beginning, it may even be necessary for you to pack a bag with some food items to be certain your ex has some products available, just in case.

 

Follow Up

In many cases, all of this will be enough to keep your child safe. In some cases though, the other parent can make things difficult. It’s a good idea to ask about what your child has eaten while away. Red flags are statements like “My mom fed him something,” or “We just ate at X restaurant.” That’s not enough information for either of you! If you have real doubts about your ex’s ability to stay on track with your child’s diet, start a food log and send it along on visitation, asking your ex to fill it out. To make things a bit less confrontational, fill out the log for when your child is with you as well. This way it will seem like a joint effort and your log entries will provide an excellent model for your ex to follow.

 

Empower Your Child

If your child is old enough, you can educate him or her about what he and can’t eat. You are probably already doing this, but many children would not think to question choices a parent is making for them, so make sure your child understands that the diet comes first, no matter what anyone, even a parent, says.

 

Non-Cooperation

If you have an ex who either does not believe the special diet is important or who seems to be unable to follow it out of laziness or even just to spite you, you need to take action. Document what is happening (make dated notes about interference with the diet, as well as the consequences your child experiences). Then go back to court. Depending on your situation, you can ask for a few different things. Some parents just need a judge to tell them they have to follow the diet (but you may need a doctor to testify about the importance of it). It may be enough to have your custody order modified to include a directive that both parents follow the recommendations of the child’s doctor about diet. If that isn’t going to do it, you can ask to have visitation modified so that your child is not with your ex at meals or so that your ex has supervised visitation, where another responsible adult is present and can make sure the diet is being followed.

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Marital Infidelity Affects Children

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photo by Arvind Balaraman

The reasons for your divorce or break up are between you and your spouse, but even if you try to keep infidelity under wraps and your divorce is not front page headlines, it still has an impact on your kids. Even if you don’t tell your kids about infidelity, they are likely to find out if they are old enough to understand, simply by overhearing arguments between parents or conversations you have with other people. Kids react in individual ways, but the following reactions are almost universal.

Embarrassment

Kids whose parents are unfaithful often feel deeply shamed by the situation. A parent has done something that deeply hurt the other parent, and which is considered a no-no by society. Kids are afraid people will talk about the situation and that by being part of the family your child will be tainted by association.

Confusion

Kids are expected to follow the rules, so why can parents break them? That is a question kids ask themselves or even you, as they try to work their way through the situation. It’s not uncommon for children to react by testing the rules themselves to see what they can get away with.

Disgust

Anything that has to do with parents and sex is just gross as far as your child is concerned and a situation that calls attention to the fact that a parent is actually having sex is beyond what any kid wants to think about.

Anger

A common reaction is anger – often at both parents. The cheating parent is easy to blame because he or she took action that ended the marriage and hurt everyone involved in the situation. Kids will frequently freeze this parent out or rage at him or her. It’s also not unusual to blame the non-cheating parent, believing that he or she could have done something that would have prevented the cheating, like being more loving, working harder to please the other spouse, etc.

Distrustfulness

When a parent betrays the entire family, children frequently experience doubt that they can trust anyone ever again. If a parent broke trust with the family, who can you rely on? Children will experience insecurity in all of their relationships. Teens may find it hard to trust members of the opposite sex and say that love is not worth the risk.

How to Help

You can’t undo what has happened, but you can get your child into therapy to help work through the issues. Be available to listen to your child. Let him or her talk and just listen. It’s also important that both parents talk about the situation, as hard as that may be. The cheating parent may be met with silence or ignored, but it is important to apologize for the hurt that has been caused and offer to talk about it with the child in therapy. The non-cheating parent is often in a better situation to have a conversation with the child. It’s hard to do, but the best course is to emphasize that this happened between the parents and does not affect the relationship and the love between the cheating parent and the child. As with all divorces, it takes time for your child to accept what has happened and move forward. Being supportive through this process is the best thing you can do.

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Divorce in the Workplace

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It’s hard to tell your family and friends you’ve decided to divorce, but when and how do you share this information at work?

Your Boss

Your boss doesn’t need to know you’re getting a divorce, however, sharing this with him or her can have some benefits. You’re going to need time off for mediation, lawyer meetings, and/or court time. Having a boss who is sympathetic to what you’re going through will help with your time off requests. You may also get to the point where you need some kind of permanent schedule change to accommodate your parenting plan. A boss who is aware of what you’ve been going through will be more sympathetic.

What you don’t want to do, however, is let your boss think that the divorce is going to hurt your performance at work. Keeping your job is probably more important to you now than ever, with the financial turmoil you’re facing. You must show your boss you are as competent, timely, and reliable as ever, even if you don’t feel that way! Go the extra mile to prove you’re on your game.

The best way to tell your boss is request a few minutes of his or her time. Be straightforward and explain that you’re getting divorced, may need some time off or flexible hours, but that you are not going to let it interfere with your performance. Although it might be really hard not to, do not cry during this meeting. Keep it business-like and don’t go looking for a shoulder to cry on.

Close Co-Workers

It’s fine to tell your close office friends about your situation, but you want to be careful to do so in a private setting (the company lunchroom or restroom is not going to cut it). You’re going to need support, so you want your friends to understand what you’re going through. Ask these friends to keep the information to themselves until you feel ready to discuss it publicly. You also want to be sure these friends aren’t going to be constant reminders of what you’re going through — you don’t want them to ask you every single day how you’re doing or what’s happening with your divorce. Ask them to let you set the tone.

Everyone Else

It’s really hard to keep a secret in most offices. You’ll be overheard on the phone or in the hallways and people will talk. You may also need to tell your HR rep if there will be changes to health insurance.

Don’t put yourself in the position of trying to make some kind of announcement about your divorce. Instead, let it slip to the person with the biggest mouth, who will get the word out for you. Don’t share ANY details that you don’t want the entire world to know. Keep a stiff upper lip as much as possible. Try to have private calls outside the office and don’t discuss your divorce or any issues stemming from it using company email, even if it is to office friends.

Don’t burden clients with your news, unless they are close friends. Stay focused on work and decide to keep your personal life at home.

What To Do On a Bad Day

My advice has been pretty strict so far – basically say as little as possible. It’s important to be realistic though. You’re going through a really hard time and there are going to be tough days. Some days you may be on the verge of emotional collapse. Other days your ex might call you at work and get under your skin. Your attorney might need to talk to you immediately. You can’t completely keep your divorce out of your office life. Follow these tips to minimize damage:

– Get to a less public space whenever possible. If you need to cry, do it in the restroom. If you need to scream at your ex, take the phone outside. Your attorney wants to discuss financial details? Go to the storeroom or empty space where you can have at least some privacy.

– Apologize to co-workers who overhear your difficult conversations. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I’m really trying to keep my personal life out of the office.” This will make them even more sympathetic to you, since you are being clear you don’t want to burden others.

– Take emotional sick days. Your time off may be limited, but if you can swing it, take some time off when you are at your lowest point. Even leaving the office for lunch can give you a little break. If you suddenly feel like you’re going to fall apart, go outside and get some air. If you need support, ask an office friend to come with you.

– Distract yourself. Work is a great distraction from what’s happening at home, so use it to occupy your mind and keep yourself focused on non-emotional topics.

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Teens and Divorce

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Photo by Sujin Jetkasettakorn

If you and the other parent divorced while your child was younger, the teen years can present some challenges in terms of your visitation schedule.  A schedule that worked for an elementary school age child is not going to fit a teen.  And, if you and the other parent have split during your child’s teenage years, it can be difficult to devise a plan that will work for everyone involved simply because the teenage years are so difficult to parent during.

Big But Not Big Enough

The first thing to remember is that teens may look and act a lot like adults, but they aren’t yet completely mature.  They still need to have two parents and they still need to have those parents involved in their lives.  Teens are working hard at learning to be independent, and this means that they do need special consideration, but it does not mean that you and the other parent should throw up your hands and say “there’s nothing we can do.”  It can be difficult to continue to parent someone who doesn’t want to be parented, but that’s your job right now.

Flexibility Is Key

Friends, school, sports, activities, dating, and jobs are essential to teens.  If you have a visitation schedule that severely restricts your child’s ability to enjoy those essential activities, all you’ll end up with is resentment.  Instead, you need to try to create a balance in your teen’s life.  He or she should have plenty of time to do the things that matters to him, but he’s also got to make some room for spending time with his parents.

When you all lived in one house you probably did not tell your daughter she had to skip the field hockey game because you wanted to spend time with her.  You didn’t tell your son he couldn’t hang out with friends on Friday night because your spouse wanted to spend time with him.

As the divorced parent of a teen, you’ve got to flex the parenting schedule to incorporate the things that make your kid who he is.  If your spouse has visitation this weekend, but your teen has a dance to go to, the parent whose scheduled time it is should take the teen to and from the dance, and spend the rest of the available time with him.  You need to find a balance between your teen’s need to be a kid and the need for him or her to have time with both parents.

Create a Minimum

Since teens schedules are busy and your and the other parent’s schedules are also probably pretty packed, it’s important to agree to some kind of minimum time per month with the non-custodial parent. For example, decide that you’ll try to arrange things so that the non-custodial parent sees your child for at least four overnights per month and 4 other evenings or afternoons – this is the flexible way to fit in the “every other weekend and one night a week” plan into a busy life.  Fit parenting times in where they go the easiest.  Be creative with your time sharing.  Take turns taking your daughter to basketball practice.  Have one parent commit to teaching him how to drive.  Have the other parent be involved with weekend band or cheerleader activities.  Some parents have a hard time being so flexible because it feels like a loss of control.  In fact it is just the opposite – you set a minimum and then work with your child to make it work for everyone.  It takes a bit more cooperation, but in the end, you will both have a better relationship with your child and he or she will feel more fulfilled and connected.

Stay Connected

Teens are big on technology, so the non-custodial parent can maintain a close relationship with text messaging, cell phone calls, andSkype.  Non-custodial parents can have a difficult time staying connected during the teen years – teens certainly aren’t know for being open with their parents!  And, if a family divorced when the daughter was 7, she’s a very different person at 15 and it can be hard to stay in the loop.  Find out about her interests and activities and make yourself a part of them – either by showing up to cheer, by offering help, or just by asking friendly, non-intrusive questions.

Surviving the teen years requires a mutual understanding – you take your teen’s life seriously and he or she will take both parents seriously as well.

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Want to Save Your Marriage?

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Almost everyone who is thinking about or going through a separation or divorce wonders if the marriage can be saved. Today I’m happy to share a conversation with Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters. Alisa found herself so unhappy in her marriage that she was fantasizing about her husband’s funeral.  Divorce was on her mind when a friend asked her if she had done everything possible to save her marriage. She realized she hadn’t and embarked on a four-month plan to save her marriage herself by reading self-help books and trying everything from bikini waxes to communication exercises with humor and open-mindedness. As a result, she fell back in love with her husband and they renewed their vows.  Alisa’s path won’t work for everyone, but it is definitely something to consider.

Was divorce a real consideration for you, and if so, what were your thoughts about it?

I did think about it a lot. My thoughts were basically that I was scared. I was scared to stay married because I was miserable, but I was also scared of divorce. I imagined that I might be happier if I got divorced, but I worried that I also might not be. What if I felt guilty? What if it didn’t solve my problems? For instance, what if, after divorce, I ended up having to support my husband financially anyway? I worried about whether my husband would be any sort of a father to our child if the marriage ended. What was worse for our daughter? Us staying married and me being miserable–but her having a shot of a relationship with her father? Or us divorcing and him possibly completely dropping out of my life and hers?

I was scared of what other people would think, especially his side of the family. I was even scared of the men my mother no doubt would try to fix me up with and the inevitable fights that she and I would get into over it. In the end, I worked on my marriage because a divorced friend suggested I do so–mostly as a test to see if my marriage could or count not be saved. As it turned out, it could.

You visualized your husband’s funeral, but did you visualize your divorce? What was it like? Why was this fantasy not as satisfying as the funeral?

I did fantasize about the divorce, but this fantasy felt artificial to me. My divorce fantasy was all about me having a life again. If he had custody on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend, I’d actually be able to exercise regularly again, go to a yoga class and even read books again. I’d also be able to do a lot of things that were uncomfortable for us to do while unhappily married. For instance, I’d be able to go to family gatherings again without everyone rolling their eyes about whatever hurtful comment my husband had just made. I’d also be able to decorate the house the way I wanted–without having to consult him or talk him into things. My divorce fantasy was really about freedom–the freedom to be the person I wanted to be. Eventually I realized that I could be that person without actually getting divorced.

How different would your life be now if you had gotten a divorce? Would it be all bad or would there be positive aspects?

This is a hard question for me to answer because I’m in love with my husband again. So now when I think of divorce, it hurts and I think, “Oh I would miss him so much.” And now I tend to notice what I WOULDN’T have if we were divorced. For instance, he really does change all the light-bulbs, especially the funny odd kinds that you can’t find in a normal store. He also unclogs the drains and he fixes my car for me. Sure, I am perfectly able to do such things on my own, but I don’t enjoy them. So I’m thankful that I have him around!

Had we divorced when we were unhappy, I’m sure I wouldn’t be thinking any of that, though. I have a feeling that I would have found a way to be happy no matter what. That’s the way I am. I am a problem solver. So if the marriage ended, I would have figured out how to share custody, for instance, in a way that worked. I would have found ways to be a better, more content me. I would have broken down and learned how to use the dang grill. I would have hired someone to deal with the lawn. I would get a plumber to unclog the drain if it came down to it. And I definitely would put some effort into making sure I didn’t make the same mistakes with my next relationship.

I will say that it probably would be nice to be able to decorate the house the way I want without having to consult anyone. That’s the one aspect of divorce that I still find a little intriguing. If I were super rich, I would buy two houses side by side and have him live in one and me in the other and then we would just visit a lot. That way I could decorate my side the way I want it!

Do you believe every marriage can be saved in the way you saved yours? Were you just lucky or do you think the steps you took are applicable for many people facing the breakdown of a marriage?

I think some marriages can be saved and some can’t. It’s hard to sort them into neat categories of “can’t be saved” and “there’s no hope in hell” though. I think whether or not a marriage can be saved depends on a few factors: 1) Did you really fall in love? If you married for some other reason than love (convenience, fear, boredom, money) and you’ve lost that original reason, there might not be anything there to salvage 2) Whether you are willing to see your part 3) Whether your spouse is willing to see his/her part? 4) Whether you are willing to learn and go out of your comfort zone–because saving a marriage requires you to be vulnerable, to learn a new style of communication, and to accept what won’t change.

What lessons can be taken from your journey and used by people who are already divorced and are trying to co-parent and co-exist with their exes? Is there a happily ever after apart?

I think it’s always useful to look back and try to see your part. It’s easy to blame a failed marriage on your spouse, but that sort of blame isn’t going to help you grow and it’s not going to help you in your next relationship. It’s also not going to help you co-parent. Did your communication style cause your spouse to shut down? Rather than blame him for shutting down, go deeper and think about what about your strategy itself led to him shutting down. Similarly if she didn’t support your goals, think about why. Did you not help her to understand them? In a marriage, both people play a role, and these roles become intertwined. Figure out what your role was and think about how it could have been different.

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage. She’s also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a safe gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers.

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