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Back to School Tips for Divorced Parents

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The stores are filled with binders and glue sticks so school is starting. This time of year is busy for all parents, but it is particularly challenging when you’re divorced or separated. Not only are you juggling supply lists (including impossible to locate folder colors), sneaker shopping, open houses, and more volunteer events than your schedule has room for, but you’re also managing a parenting schedule, cost-splitting, and handling all of your exes “moments.” Follow these tips to keep your sanity.

Track Expenses. If you and your ex have an agreement to share school expenses or if your ex is responsible for all of it, you need to keep your receipts. Try to buy everything at one store if possible to minimize confusion. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.

Share Supply Information. As much as school shopping can be a headache, it is a way to stay connected to your child. Even if you have agreed that you will be the parent in charge of school shopping, your ex might want to be involved. It’s not uncommon for a divorced non-custodial parent to take their child out and buy the latest and greatest sneakers, backpack, or gadget. Making sure the other parent understands what the school requirements are will prevent a hissy fit by your child when the giant backpack fails to meet school specs and must be returned.

Coordinate Events. If you and your ex both want to attend open house, make sure they know when it is. If you can’t stand to be in the same room together, arrange to go on different nights or at different times. If that’s not possible, most teachers are willing to do a quick one-on-one to meet one of the parents at another time.

Notify the School about Pick Ups. If you have sole legal custody of your child and have any concerns that your ex could try to pick your child up from school without your permission, you need to give the school a copy of your custody order and direct them not to release your child to anyone but you.

Think About the Night Before School.  Do you remember that sick to your stomach feeling of the night before school? Your child experiences that too and it’s important to do whatever you can to make the first day of school easier for them. If at all possible, have your child sleep at the home where the bus will pick him up most of the time. This will minimize tension and help him get settled into a routine.

Arrange for Separate Notifications. If your ex has the right to receive information about your child’s academic progress and school activities (most parents with joint custody do, but some custody orders directly spell this right out), they need to make arrangements with the school to have duplicates sent. As the custodial parent, you do NOT want to have to be responsible for copying and sending him everything that comes home. That being said, there are times when a teacher might send a quick handwritten note or email to you alone and it would be in the spirit of cooperation for you to share it. It is also nice to share graded papers and tests that come home.

Coordinate Calendars. Now that school is getting revved up again, there are going to be lots of events – book fairs, sports meets, science fairs, concerts, and more – scheduled for your child. Compare the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child able to attend important events. If your ex lives nearby, you can suggest they take your child to events that fall on his days.

Talk to the Teacher. If you are recently divorced, or in the middle of a split, make sure you find a moment to talk to your child’s teacher about the situation. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just occasional bad days and you want your child’s teacher to know what’s going on.

Smile! When school portraits roll around, if you do not want to talk to your ex about buying a package of photos together, send them an extra purchase order so you don’t have to get involved.

Plan Projects. It’s quite common for kids to want a specific parent to help them with certain school projects. It would be great if you and your ex could talk about this kind of situation in advance so you can already have a plan in place for the science fair project or whatever will be coming along. If your ex agrees to handle a project, make sure they have all the details, including the deadlines and specs. It’s tempting to let them sink or swim, but it’s ok to let your nerves take over and remind them once or twice about the deadline so that your child does not end up in a bind. Try to remain hands off as much as possible though, so your child and ex can have this experience together.

Remember Who School Is For. It is too easy for school to become yet another battleground where you and your ex each attempt to stake your claim – you become active on the PTO and pal up to the teacher while your ex makes calls to complain to the principal about every little injustice to your child. You’re each secretly trying to be über involved with the school so you feel connected to your child. School is your kid’s turf – a place for her to have fun, grow, and get away from the issues at home. Don’t ruin that for them.

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Summer Vacations After Divorce

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Many children spend large chunks of time with their non-custodial parent over the summer. Whether your child is going across town to spend a few weeks with your ex, will travel to their home state for visitation, or is packing up to go away on a big trip with your ex, preparing for and adjusting to the absence can be very difficult.

Set Your Mind at Ease

When your child is preparing to go away, do some advance planning that will help you feel comfortable with the vacation or the trip. Find out where your child is going and get the contact information. Ask questions so you know what the plan is. If your child will be traveling, get the details of the itinerary. Make sure your ex understands your child’s capabilities when it comes to swimming, hiking, or other activities. If your child is going to another state to stay with at your ex’s home for a few weeks, find out who will provide child care while your ex is at work.

Stay in Touch

If your child is in elementary school, this might be a good time to get him a cell phone. That way, you can reach him directly without having to go through your ex and you’ll have the peace of mind of knowing you can call at any time. Stay in touch, but don’t call several times a day. You have to let go a little and let your child and ex have time together without you involved. A few texts or a call once a day is reasonable.

Pack Well

Help your child pack for the time away. Make sure all essentials are included, including prescription medications, glasses, retainers, rubber bands for braces, summer reading requirements, sunscreen, special stuffed animals, favorite toys, clothing appropriate for the weather, and personal care items. If your child will be traveling, don’t assume your ex will think to pack children’s pain reliever, dental floss, water shoes, or other important items. Talk with your ex about making sure your child follows her routine and takes her meds, brushes her teeth, wears sunscreen, and so on.

Prepare Your Child

Depending on the age of your child and whether he has been away from you before, this could be a difficult separation. Remind him he is going to be with the other parent who loves him and is so excited to be able to spend time with him. Tell him you’ll miss him and he’ll miss you, but you’ll be together again very soon. Do not dwell on how hard the separation will be for you. That is not your child’s burden to carry. Instead, give him permission to enjoy himself and have fun. Be happy he is about to have this experience.

Prepare Yourself

If you have not been away from your child for extended periods of time, the time apart in the summer can be difficult for you to adjust to. Think ahead about how you will use your time. This is a great chance to tackle some big projects around the house or at work. It’s also a great time to do something for yourself, like a wine tasting class, audition for a play, or do some traveling of your own. You will miss your child, but you may find you enjoy the time to yourself as well.

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Mementos of Your Marriage

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When your marriage ends, you work through the emotional rollercoaster and come (eventually) to a place where you’ve recovered (somewhat!) from all the turmoil. You might still be fond of your ex (or you might not be!), but at some point, you move on with your life, leaving the marriage behind you emotionally. What’s left are physical reminders of the marriage that you might want to get rid of, however your children likely have different feelings about them. Here are some tips to help you navigate your way through these tough decisions.

Photographs

One thing that will be very important to your kids are the family photos. Your instinct might be that you want them out of your house and out of your life, but these are important items for your kids. For one thing, it allows them to hang onto the fact that you were a couple, and a family, at one point. Your children likely have some very happy memories that can be relived through those photos. Don’t toss them, instead save them for your kids. You don’t need to leave framed family photos scattered through the house or a photo album on the coffee table (or digital file on the desktop of your computer), but you should try to save many of them for your kids. They will want to look at them from time to time, and that’s ok. It’s healthy for them to want some visual cues to help them process what happened. You may not want to look at the photos with them and that’s ok too. Give some brief feedback and make yourself busy with something else. Plan to pack those photos up and move them out of the house when your kids move out.

Wedding Rings

You likely removed your wedding rings at some point in your divorce process and obviously don’t plan to wear them again. Some women do take the stones and have them reset into a pendant or other piece of jewelry to wear. If this is what you want to do, you should. You can always pass that new piece of jewelry on. Some people sell their jewelry and that’s an option that is good if it works for you. Be aware that your children (daughters, most likely) will at some point be curious about the jewelry. Some children feel strongly that they would like to have the jewelry or even use it for their own weddings. If you feel uncomfortable with this, be clear that it belongs to you and you can do whatever you want with it. If you refashion it into something else, make it clear that item is a piece you will pass down. If you sell it, you might buy something else with the money that can have some importance for your family. If you need the money to pay bills, that’s fine as well. There are plenty of other items your kids will be able to hang on to.

Mementos

If you’re living in the home you shared with your ex, you probably still see him or her in every corner. Many people remodel, redecorate, or at least make some changes in their home once they are divorced. So what do you do with all the stuff that reminds you too strongly of your ex? Ask yourself if these items will have meaning to your children. A collection of shells you collected on the beach as a family or a souvenir from a family trip to the Grand Canyon are things that have importance to your children. You don’t have to leave them prominently displayed in your living room, but maybe your children would like them in their rooms. These items can also be packed up and stored away until your children are grown when you can hand it all over to them and let them decide what to do with them. This doesn’t mean you should keep every single item—be selective and space-conscious. If you need to do a real purge, ask your kids for their input on what they might like to save.

You may also have notes, letters, cards, and other personal items that were meaningful in your marriage. You are completely within your rights if you want to toss or destroy these, but it’s possible some day your kids might want to see them (if they are appropriate to share). It’s fine to store them in case your kids have an interest in them, but it’s also fine to just get rid of them if you need to.

Strong Feelings about Unexpected Things

All of the things we’ve discussed so far are things that clearly have emotional meanings. Don’t be surprised if your children have strange, unexpected attachments to other things you could never have predicted. The recliner the other parent often sat in, the pile of unused lumber next to the garage, the dusty set of glass jars on a kitchen shelf—things like these can be symbols of the other parent and children can get very upset if they are moved, disposed of, or changed. If your child has a sudden outburst about something unexpected like this, take the time to talk it through. Why does this object or objects matter to her? What do they symbolize? It’s your house and you call the shots, but if there is a compromise, look for it. Would your child like to keep the item (if it’s small!) or some portion for herself? This doesn’t mean giving in and not changing a thing to preserve your child’s fantasy that you will reunite. It’s important to be very clear about that and the fact that as the adult in the house, you make decisions about the home. That being said, having some sensitivity to your child’s feelings will make everything smoother.

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Termination of Parental Rights

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I am asked a lot of questions about parenting after divorce. People have presented me with some pretty unbelievable situations, but there is something that I am asked about far more often than I would have expected – parental termination. Parental termination is a legal process in which a parent’s legal rights are taken away. In the eyes of the law, that person ceases to be that child’s parents, and has no more rights or responsibilities towards the child.

Abuse or Neglect

The most common situation in which a termination happens is in an abuse or neglect proceeding (not a divorce!). A parent is determined to be such a danger to the child’s physical, mental, or emotional health that the parent is completely removed from the situation and the child’s life with no further contact permitted. Even in these kinds of cases, it is considered an extreme measure and is one that takes the court system months or years to arrive at after every other alternative is tried first.

Adoption

When a parent’s rights are terminated in an abuse or neglect situation, the child is placed in foster care with adoption as a goal (at least for younger children). When a parent who is divorced and remarried wants his or her new spouse to adopt the child, a stepparent adoption must take place. However, this can only happen if the other natural parent consents to the adoption by giving up his or her rights to the child, or has his or her rights terminated by the court. A termination in this situation, when it is warranted, is often a good thing for the child. The child is adopted by a loving and involved stepparent who fills those parental shoes in the child’s life.

Other Terminations

Unfortunately, I am often asked about termination of parental rights in other situations. These fall into two general categories: fathers who don’t want to pay any more child support and want to give up their rights to get out of it; and mothers who want to find a way to terminate the father’s rights to get him out of her life (I have never been asked these questions with the genders reversed or in same sex couples, although my answer applies to all situations).

Both of these situations are deeply disturbing. It is appalling that a man would be willing to break all ties with his child and in effect say ‘I no longer want to be part of your life’ just to save some bucks. The damage that is caused by this act is irreparable. The child is clearly told he is not important and does not matter – and that money is of more importance than him. It is disgraceful and appalling. Even if a man has previously had little contact with the child, this legal maneuver still sets the child up very clearly as someone who is not wanted.

The other situation is just as disturbing. There are lots of people who have very difficult relationships with their exes. And of course there are women who have been placed in great danger by a man and want no contact. However, if a court has decided that it is appropriate for that child to have a relationship with that father, the mother must put her personal feelings aside and find a way to make it happen. Yes, it can be a pain sometimes to deal with his BS. Yes, visitation can be an inconvenience. However, to seek to terminate a father’s relationship with his child just because you don’t like him or don’t want to have to navigate the situation any more is inexcusable. Even if that man fails to exercise his visitation, he still is connected to that child and there is a chance that someday he will come to his senses and reestablish a connection. A woman who proactively seeks to remove the father from the child’s life without a good reason is creating a trauma for her own child. The child may one day as an adult feel that this choice was harmful.

Courts Weigh In

There are certainly situations in which termination is appropriate and warranted and courts will respond in those situations. However, in other scenarios, it is very likely the court will not grant the termination that is being sought. In the eyes of the court, a parent and child have a connection that should not be severed without a very good reason. Unfortunately, there are times when courts will grant terminations if both parties agree – the father to get out of child support and the mother to get him out of her life.

Parental termination is not something that should be considered lightly or without extreme circumstances.

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Marital Status and Your Kids

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You’ve probably read or heard a lot about how divorce can be bad for kids. In general, I don’t agree with that idea because it’s been my experience that a home filled with anger, turmoil, or violence is a bad environment for children. And often, divorce is the only choice, so everyone simply has to make the best of it. I’ve talked a lot in the past on this site about how to talk to your child about divorce. Divorce isn’t the only choice though, so let’s talk about other situations you might find yourself in and how to explain them to your children.

Separation
Many couples today find themselves getting separated (legally or not) because the current financial climate makes divorce an expense that is difficult to afford or as a stepping stone to divorce. If you and your spouse do separate, you need to find a way to explain what is happening to your kids. When you are separated, you remain legally married. Some people get separated, then later divorce. Others just separate and never take the final step. If your intention is to divorce, you should explain that to your kids. Let them know you won’t be getting back together and that the legal process may take a while, but that as far as the two of you are concerned, your marriage is truly over.

If you are separating on a trial basis (and many people do this to test the waters), be honest about it with your children. They have friends whose parents have separated and divorced, so it is something they understand. If you haven’t made a final decision, be clear about that. Separation can be difficult for kids (as it is for you!) because everything is up in the air and unsettled. Try to provide as much stability as you can during this time and put a clear parenting plan together.

If you are permanently separating, but do not intend to reunite or divorce, it may be hard to explain this to your child. Most kids see separation as a step towards divorce. If you are choosing to remain legally married for religious, financial, or other reasons, talk about these with your child. Be clear about what you’re doing, how you’re doing it and how it impacts your child. A marriage in name only can be a difficult concept for a child to grasp, so you will likely need to do a lot of talking about this.

Annulment
A lot of people ask me about annulments. An annulment is a legal proceeding, similar to a divorce, in which the marriage is dissolved (note that a religious annulment is an entirely different process). The difference, however, is that an annulment legally erases the marriage because it was invalid from the start. There are several situations in which annulment is possible – one of you wasn’t legally able to marry (under age, already married or not mentally fit to consent) or situations in which fraud or mistake happened, such as when one person lied about his ability to have children or about having some kind of disease. Many people are interested in annulments because they feel like they are a way to wipe the slate clean.

If you have children and get an annulment, does that mean your children are illegitimate? Absolutely not. Every state has laws that say that children of an annulled marriages are legitimate. But then how do you explain this to your kids? Annulment is a complicated idea, so the best way to explain it is to say that it’s almost like a divorce, but means that your marriage is going to be ended because some kind of mistake was made. You no longer want to be married and the court is going to undo your marriage. It’s better not to tell younger kids that it’s as if you were never married. The fact that their parents were once married is something that is very important to them. Answer your child’s questions as best you can and always come back to the fact that this situation is just like a divorce, but it’s called something else.

Unmarried Break Ups
If you and the other parent never married, the end of your relationship is going to be less formal than if you are married. You will probably find yourselves engaged with the legal system to get custody and child support formalized (even if you agree on it), so this can provide a kind of official ending to the relationship and give everyone closure. If you’re breaking up, be clear about your plan with your child. If it is not definitely permanent, explain that. If you know it is the absolute end, you need to talk about it in the same way you would a divorce.

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