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Mementos of Your Marriage

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When your marriage ends, you work through the emotional rollercoaster and come (eventually) to a place where you’ve recovered (somewhat!) from all the turmoil. You might still be fond of your ex (or you might not be!), but at some point, you move on with your life, leaving the marriage behind you emotionally. What’s left are physical reminders of the marriage that you might want to get rid of, however your children likely have different feelings about them. Here are some tips to help you navigate your way through these tough decisions.

Photographs

One thing that will be very important to your kids are the family photos. Your instinct might be that you want them out of your house and out of your life, but these are important items for your kids. For one thing, it allows them to hang onto the fact that you were a couple, and a family, at one point. Your children likely have some very happy memories that can be relived through those photos. Don’t toss them, instead save them for your kids. You don’t need to leave framed family photos scattered through the house or a photo album on the coffee table (or digital file on the desktop of your computer), but you should try to save many of them for your kids. They will want to look at them from time to time, and that’s ok. It’s healthy for them to want some visual cues to help them process what happened. You may not want to look at the photos with them and that’s ok too. Give some brief feedback and make yourself busy with something else. Plan to pack those photos up and move them out of the house when your kids move out.

Wedding Rings

You likely removed your wedding rings at some point in your divorce process and obviously don’t plan to wear them again. Some women do take the stones and have them reset into a pendant or other piece of jewelry to wear. If this is what you want to do, you should. You can always pass that new piece of jewelry on. Some people sell their jewelry and that’s an option that is good if it works for you. Be aware that your children (daughters, most likely) will at some point be curious about the jewelry. Some children feel strongly that they would like to have the jewelry or even use it for their own weddings. If you feel uncomfortable with this, be clear that it belongs to you and you can do whatever you want with it. If you refashion it into something else, make it clear that item is a piece you will pass down. If you sell it, you might buy something else with the money that can have some importance for your family. If you need the money to pay bills, that’s fine as well. There are plenty of other items your kids will be able to hang on to.

Mementos

If you’re living in the home you shared with your ex, you probably still see him or her in every corner. Many people remodel, redecorate, or at least make some changes in their home once they are divorced. So what do you do with all the stuff that reminds you too strongly of your ex? Ask yourself if these items will have meaning to your children. A collection of shells you collected on the beach as a family or a souvenir from a family trip to the Grand Canyon are things that have importance to your children. You don’t have to leave them prominently displayed in your living room, but maybe your children would like them in their rooms. These items can also be packed up and stored away until your children are grown when you can hand it all over to them and let them decide what to do with them. This doesn’t mean you should keep every single item—be selective and space-conscious. If you need to do a real purge, ask your kids for their input on what they might like to save.

You may also have notes, letters, cards, and other personal items that were meaningful in your marriage. You are completely within your rights if you want to toss or destroy these, but it’s possible some day your kids might want to see them (if they are appropriate to share). It’s fine to store them in case your kids have an interest in them, but it’s also fine to just get rid of them if you need to.

Strong Feelings about Unexpected Things

All of the things we’ve discussed so far are things that clearly have emotional meanings. Don’t be surprised if your children have strange, unexpected attachments to other things you could never have predicted. The recliner the other parent often sat in, the pile of unused lumber next to the garage, the dusty set of glass jars on a kitchen shelf—things like these can be symbols of the other parent and children can get very upset if they are moved, disposed of, or changed. If your child has a sudden outburst about something unexpected like this, take the time to talk it through. Why does this object or objects matter to her? What do they symbolize? It’s your house and you call the shots, but if there is a compromise, look for it. Would your child like to keep the item (if it’s small!) or some portion for herself? This doesn’t mean giving in and not changing a thing to preserve your child’s fantasy that you will reunite. It’s important to be very clear about that and the fact that as the adult in the house, you make decisions about the home. That being said, having some sensitivity to your child’s feelings will make everything smoother.

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Keeping Summer Vacation Fun in a Divorced Family

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photo courtesy of federico stevanin

Kids wait all year for summer vacation.  But when parents are divorced or separated, summer vacation becomes more complicated.  Kids look forward to long days with their friends doing nothing.  When they have a parenting schedule to live with, summer loses some of its fun.  Your child needs to spend time with both parents – that’s a given.  So how do you keep the parenting schedule from messing up your child’s summer dreams?

Plan around it. If you and your child dream of lazy days at the beach or crazy afternoons at an amusement park, plan your family’s schedule around the parenting schedule.  Try to work, clean the house, or do volunteer work while your child is with the other parent.  Save the big events for days when your child is with you.  If you have children and step children with conflicting schedules, talk with both sets of parents and look for a way to make adjustments so that you can all have family time together once in a while.

Welcome friends. One of the biggest concerns kids have about schedule is not being able to see their friends.  Make it clear friends are welcome at your home anytime.  If you’re the non-custodial parent, go the extra step and offer to drive the friends (who probably live near your child’s other home) to your home.

Make other plans. Whether you’re the custodial or non-custodial parent, it’s impossible to be with your child the entire time he or she is at your house.  Look for alternatives that will keep your child happy and occupied while you’re busy.  Look for a class or day camp that ties into his or her interests – zoo camp, art camp, soccer camp – the choices are huge.  Planning this activity will give your child something to do and will ease any guilt you might feel (you shouldn’t!) about not being completely available.

Think of yourself. Be sure to plan some adult fun for the days your child is away.  You’re supposed to enjoy the summer too and those days on your own are the perfect times to explore new places, meet people, and expand your own horizons.

Remember what it’s like to be a kid. There were plenty of times when your idea of a good time was sleeping till noon, spending 4 hours in front of the tv, or plugging yourself into a video game.  The same probably holds true for your child.  Let him or her have time to just veg.  You don’t need to plan excursions and events every time your child is at your home.  Let there be time for just being a kid.

Relax. Stop pressuring yourself to create the perfect summer for your child.  If you look back you probably will find that your favorite summer memories are of small, everyday things.  You’re not a cruise director; you’re a parent.  There’s a lot to be said for quiet dinners on the porch, picnics in the backyard, ice cream cones on a hot night, and fun in the sprinkler together.

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Teachable Lessons from Divorce

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Photo credit: Rawich

You might have a number of flippant answers to the question “What lessons has divorce allowed you to teach your kids?”  “Men/women are creeps,” “Don’t get married,” or “Hire the most expensive attorney” might be off-the-cuff things that come to you if you’re trying to be funny, but the fact is divorce has probably provided a lot of teachable moments you can share with your kids.

  • You can love someone without being in love with them. If you have a reasonable relationship with your ex, this is an important message to share with your kids, who might find it confusing that you are able to be friendly together. It’s also an important distinction for kids to learn to make as they date and form relationships as adults.
  • Never give up on happiness. Many people find it is easy to sort of float along in an unhappy marriage until an event forces them to take action and then they realize they should have made a change a long time ago. It’s really important for your kids to know that they should create a life that brings them happiness and any situation they find themselves in that impairs happiness is something to consider changing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve is another way to put this.
  • The worst times always pass. This is a hard lesson for kids to learn because when they’re in the middle of something they see as just awful (a fight with a best friend, being grounded, or losing the championship) they often aren’t able to look past their momentary situation. Remind your kids that things always do get better and tomorrow is another day. Setbacks are never permanent.
  • You can survive almost anything that comes your way. Your divorce likely taught you resilience. It’s definitely an attribute that we gain as we age and work our way through life’s ups and downs, making it something tough for a kid to come by. However, simply telling your child that he really can get through even the hardest things will show him you have confidence in his inner strength and someday he’ll come to believe it too.
  • Life is all about change. Again, that’s hard to understand if you’re eight, or even sixteen, but helping your child see life as a series of changes and new experiences can help her be more open to the twists and turns she will face. It’s important to emphasize that each change you’ve faced has had up and down sides, but that you’ve tried to focus on the good aspects whenever possible.
  • Love is worth trying for. Some teens who have divorced parents act very jaded about relationships and profess that they don’t believe in love or marriage and there’s no point in trying. Even though your marriage ended, it’s important to tell your child you still believe in love and want him or her to find it someday.
  • Respect is the most important thing when dealing with other people. Even if you and your ex don’t always get along, if you’ve tried to be civil to each other, you’re showing your child that we owe respect to all the people we deal with, no matter what our disagreements or differences are.
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Biting Your Tongue

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Photo credit: photostock

Once you’re divorced or separated, it seems as if you should be free of your ex and able to live your life without his or her influence. However, if you are parents together, this is not a realistic expectation. You will be parents together for the rest of your lives and although you don’t have to live together or see each other often, you do have to find a way to function together as parents.

Spirit of Acceptance

Your child has two parents and although you are not in love with each other anymore, and in fact, may not even like each other, it’s best for your child if you work together as parents. No matter what kind of parenting arrangement you may have – shared custody, sole custody, or residential custody with visitation – you must still find a way to work together as a team.

As you’ve already learned, you cannot change who the other parent is, nor how he or she does things. This was true in your marriage and it remains true as you parent together. Part of parenting together is accepting who the other person is and learning to live with it. It may not be easy to put up with the things about the other parent that drive you crazy – lateness, neatness, snide comments, lack of attention to details, pickiness – whatever it is. But learning to do this is part of your job as a divorced parent.

Watch Your Words

As you and the other parent work through your journey as parenting partners, it’s likely that you will have clashes. Even if you had the most amicable divorce in the world, as you parent it is almost certain that resentments, jealousy, outrage, and other negative feelings will plague you at some point. It’s difficult to parent together when you rarely are together. You’re each growing into different people than you were when you were married.  As the years pass you may become more and more unfamiliar to each other.

One of the most important skills you will need to work effectively with the other parent is communication. Because you are not parenting in the same home, it is essential that you learn to communicate with each other about your child. Learning how and when to talk to each other is an important skill, but perhaps the most important skill is learning how to say nothing at all.

Silence is Golden

If you constantly criticize or complain to the other parent, your relationship will evolve into a negative one. Always pointing out what he or she is doing wrong just feeds the fire of resentment and anger. It is not your job to point out everything the other parent is doing wrong. That’s not your responsibility anymore. One of the best things you can do to create a supportive co-parenting environment is to try not to say anything negative. Instead focus on sharing information about your child, making plans that will benefit your child, and saying something nice once in a while.

If you are in a very difficult parenting relationship where every communication you have with each other seems to end in an argument, you need to cut back on your face to face communication. Try email, instant messenger, texting, or even sending notes back and forth.

Parent Together, But Apart

You and the other parent are part of a parenting team, but you’re each on the field at different times. Trying to set up some common boundaries and rules is helpful to everyone, but you can’t and shouldn’t try to control what is happening when the other parent is in charge. You have to let go and let the other parent do things his or her way – without commenting on it, criticizing or offering a better way to do it.

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Use Mediation for Custody Disputes

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Photo credit: photostock

If you are going through a divorce or are having a custody or visitation dispute, mediation is an option you should consider. When you go to court, a judge who doesn’t know you or your children makes decisions about how you’re all going to share your time. The outcomes are usually pretty scripted without a lot of creativity. Mediation puts the power back into the hands of the parents.

How Mediation Works

In mediation, the parents meet with a neutral mediator (who usually has background as a lawyer or therapist). The mediator helps the two parents find solutions that work for their lives, instead of making those decisions for them as a judge would do. The mediator encourages you to look at the situation from all angles, think of possible solutions, and compromise to reach decisions that work for your family. If you have teens, the mediator may encourage them to participate in a session and express their opinions about the parenting schedule.

Why Choose Mediation

In addition to the fact that mediation gives you and the other parent the power to create a parenting plan that meets your individual needs, it also has other benefits. Mediation is less expensive than hiring attorneys and is almost always faster than a trial. Mediation helps you not only today but in the future as well. Because you learn conflict resolution skills, mediation prepares you to solve future disagreements on your own, so that you aren’t always running back to court to fight over who should have your child for Christmas each year. A key benefit of mediation is the flexibility it gives you to create unique solutions that meet your individual family’s needs.

Perhaps the most important reason to choose mediation is because it benefits your children. Parents who mediate are less angry with each other. Although they may disagree, they are committed to working together to finding a plan that will work for the family. Because of this, they experience less conflict and expose their children to less fighting. Parents who mediate demonstrate to their children that they respect the other parent and support the relationship that parent has with the child. Mediation generates a parenting plan that has what is best for the children as the primary concern. Parents are able to work around the kids’ schedules and activities and maximize time with both parents. Mediation also teaches your children an important lesson – that it is better to work out your problems than to fight about them.

How to Find a Mediator

Do an online search to locate your state or city mediation association. They will have a list of mediators in your area. You can also call your state or local bar association and ask for information. Once you get a list, call a few and ask some preliminary questions, such as what their credentials are and if they just do mediation or practice in other areas. Always schedule a free consultation to get a feel for the person and his or her style. Even if you are currently in the middle of an ongoing court case, you can put a hold on the proceedings and go see a mediator to determine if you can work the conflict out yourselves.

How to Be Successful in Mediation

Enter into mediation with as open a mind as possible. Obviously, you have a clear idea of what is acceptable to you and what isn’t when it comes to custody, but there may be some solutions you have not considered. Speak up about what you think and how you envision resolving the conflict. Meet with an attorney for a consultation before you go into mediation so that you completely understand what your rights are under your state’s laws – this helps you understand how a court might rule in your situation. Be patient. Don’t expect everything to be resolved in the first session. It takes time to talk through all the issues and possible solutions.

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