Photo credit: photostock
Once you’re divorced or separated, it seems as if you should be free of your ex and able to live your life without his or her influence. However, if you are parents together, this is not a realistic expectation. You will be parents together for the rest of your lives and although you don’t have to live together or see each other often, you do have to find a way to function together as parents.
Spirit of Acceptance
Your child has two parents and although you are not in love with each other anymore, and in fact, may not even like each other, it’s best for your child if you work together as parents. No matter what kind of parenting arrangement you may have – shared custody, sole custody, or residential custody with visitation – you must still find a way to work together as a team.
As you’ve already learned, you cannot change who the other parent is, nor how he or she does things. This was true in your marriage and it remains true as you parent together. Part of parenting together is accepting who the other person is and learning to live with it. It may not be easy to put up with the things about the other parent that drive you crazy – lateness, neatness, snide comments, lack of attention to details, pickiness – whatever it is. But learning to do this is part of your job as a divorced parent.
Watch Your Words
As you and the other parent work through your journey as parenting partners, it’s likely that you will have clashes. Even if you had the most amicable divorce in the world, as you parent it is almost certain that resentments, jealousy, outrage, and other negative feelings will plague you at some point. It’s difficult to parent together when you rarely are together. You’re each growing into different people than you were when you were married. As the years pass you may become more and more unfamiliar to each other.
One of the most important skills you will need to work effectively with the other parent is communication. Because you are not parenting in the same home, it is essential that you learn to communicate with each other about your child. Learning how and when to talk to each other is an important skill, but perhaps the most important skill is learning how to say nothing at all.
Silence is Golden
If you constantly criticize or complain to the other parent, your relationship will evolve into a negative one. Always pointing out what he or she is doing wrong just feeds the fire of resentment and anger. It is not your job to point out everything the other parent is doing wrong. That’s not your responsibility anymore. One of the best things you can do to create a supportive co-parenting environment is to try not to say anything negative. Instead focus on sharing information about your child, making plans that will benefit your child, and saying something nice once in a while.
If you are in a very difficult parenting relationship where every communication you have with each other seems to end in an argument, you need to cut back on your face to face communication. Try email, instant messenger, texting, or even sending notes back and forth.
Parent Together, But Apart
You and the other parent are part of a parenting team, but you’re each on the field at different times. Trying to set up some common boundaries and rules is helpful to everyone, but you can’t and shouldn’t try to control what is happening when the other parent is in charge. You have to let go and let the other parent do things his or her way – without commenting on it, criticizing or offering a better way to do it.
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Biting Your Tongue
/in Co-parenting /by Solve DivorcePhoto credit: photostock
Once you’re divorced or separated, it seems as if you should be free of your ex and able to live your life without his or her influence. However, if you are parents together, this is not a realistic expectation. You will be parents together for the rest of your lives and although you don’t have to live together or see each other often, you do have to find a way to function together as parents.
Spirit of Acceptance
Your child has two parents and although you are not in love with each other anymore, and in fact, may not even like each other, it’s best for your child if you work together as parents. No matter what kind of parenting arrangement you may have – shared custody, sole custody, or residential custody with visitation – you must still find a way to work together as a team.
As you’ve already learned, you cannot change who the other parent is, nor how he or she does things. This was true in your marriage and it remains true as you parent together. Part of parenting together is accepting who the other person is and learning to live with it. It may not be easy to put up with the things about the other parent that drive you crazy – lateness, neatness, snide comments, lack of attention to details, pickiness – whatever it is. But learning to do this is part of your job as a divorced parent.
Watch Your Words
As you and the other parent work through your journey as parenting partners, it’s likely that you will have clashes. Even if you had the most amicable divorce in the world, as you parent it is almost certain that resentments, jealousy, outrage, and other negative feelings will plague you at some point. It’s difficult to parent together when you rarely are together. You’re each growing into different people than you were when you were married. As the years pass you may become more and more unfamiliar to each other.
One of the most important skills you will need to work effectively with the other parent is communication. Because you are not parenting in the same home, it is essential that you learn to communicate with each other about your child. Learning how and when to talk to each other is an important skill, but perhaps the most important skill is learning how to say nothing at all.
Silence is Golden
If you constantly criticize or complain to the other parent, your relationship will evolve into a negative one. Always pointing out what he or she is doing wrong just feeds the fire of resentment and anger. It is not your job to point out everything the other parent is doing wrong. That’s not your responsibility anymore. One of the best things you can do to create a supportive co-parenting environment is to try not to say anything negative. Instead focus on sharing information about your child, making plans that will benefit your child, and saying something nice once in a while.
If you are in a very difficult parenting relationship where every communication you have with each other seems to end in an argument, you need to cut back on your face to face communication. Try email, instant messenger, texting, or even sending notes back and forth.
Parent Together, But Apart
You and the other parent are part of a parenting team, but you’re each on the field at different times. Trying to set up some common boundaries and rules is helpful to everyone, but you can’t and shouldn’t try to control what is happening when the other parent is in charge. You have to let go and let the other parent do things his or her way – without commenting on it, criticizing or offering a better way to do it.
Use Mediation for Custody Disputes
/4 Comments/in Divorce, Mediation /by Solve DivorcePhoto credit: photostock
If you are going through a divorce or are having a custody or visitation dispute, mediation is an option you should consider. When you go to court, a judge who doesn’t know you or your children makes decisions about how you’re all going to share your time. The outcomes are usually pretty scripted without a lot of creativity. Mediation puts the power back into the hands of the parents.
How Mediation Works
In mediation, the parents meet with a neutral mediator (who usually has background as a lawyer or therapist). The mediator helps the two parents find solutions that work for their lives, instead of making those decisions for them as a judge would do. The mediator encourages you to look at the situation from all angles, think of possible solutions, and compromise to reach decisions that work for your family. If you have teens, the mediator may encourage them to participate in a session and express their opinions about the parenting schedule.
Why Choose Mediation
In addition to the fact that mediation gives you and the other parent the power to create a parenting plan that meets your individual needs, it also has other benefits. Mediation is less expensive than hiring attorneys and is almost always faster than a trial. Mediation helps you not only today but in the future as well. Because you learn conflict resolution skills, mediation prepares you to solve future disagreements on your own, so that you aren’t always running back to court to fight over who should have your child for Christmas each year. A key benefit of mediation is the flexibility it gives you to create unique solutions that meet your individual family’s needs.
Perhaps the most important reason to choose mediation is because it benefits your children. Parents who mediate are less angry with each other. Although they may disagree, they are committed to working together to finding a plan that will work for the family. Because of this, they experience less conflict and expose their children to less fighting. Parents who mediate demonstrate to their children that they respect the other parent and support the relationship that parent has with the child. Mediation generates a parenting plan that has what is best for the children as the primary concern. Parents are able to work around the kids’ schedules and activities and maximize time with both parents. Mediation also teaches your children an important lesson – that it is better to work out your problems than to fight about them.
How to Find a Mediator
Do an online search to locate your state or city mediation association. They will have a list of mediators in your area. You can also call your state or local bar association and ask for information. Once you get a list, call a few and ask some preliminary questions, such as what their credentials are and if they just do mediation or practice in other areas. Always schedule a free consultation to get a feel for the person and his or her style. Even if you are currently in the middle of an ongoing court case, you can put a hold on the proceedings and go see a mediator to determine if you can work the conflict out yourselves.
How to Be Successful in Mediation
Enter into mediation with as open a mind as possible. Obviously, you have a clear idea of what is acceptable to you and what isn’t when it comes to custody, but there may be some solutions you have not considered. Speak up about what you think and how you envision resolving the conflict. Meet with an attorney for a consultation before you go into mediation so that you completely understand what your rights are under your state’s laws – this helps you understand how a court might rule in your situation. Be patient. Don’t expect everything to be resolved in the first session. It takes time to talk through all the issues and possible solutions.
Friends and Parenting Time
/7 Comments/in Co-parenting /by Solve DivorceWelcome Friends
Let your child know that you respect his or her friendships. Welcome friends into your home, within reason. Children need to spend time with friends out of school and if you stand in the way, you’ll face a lot of resentment which will likely get worse as your child gets older. Talk about friends with your child and make it clear that seeing them is something you want your child to do. View friends as a wonderful part of your child’s life, and not as something that takes time away from you.
Set Priorities
If you and your ex alternate weekends, it can be hard to give up a whole afternoon to a play date – whether at your home or at the friend’s home. But it is possible to have quality time with your child while allowing him play dates. Make it a rule that play dates are fine, say, on Saturdays from noon to four, or any other day and time that is convenient for you. Also make it clear that there must be time during the weekend for family and that while a sleepover once in a while is fine, every weekend is a bit much.
Discuss Plans with Your Ex
You and your ex should talk about how important it is to your child to see friends. Your child may want to invite friends over for play dates or sleepovers at the non-custodial parent’s house. Kids like to have their friends see both of their homes and parents. Again, the non-custodial parent should set boundaries and schedule things so that there is adequate family time, but also room for friends.
Prepare for Occasions
Expect that your child will be invited to birthday parties and other events, and that these may not fit easily into your parenting plan. You’ll need to weigh each invitation and talk to your child about them. Most of the time, kids will want to go, but sometimes they don’t, so it’s always best to ask. Try to make it possible for your child to attend parties he is interested in. Your child is sure to miserable if she is the only one in the class who couldn’t go to the pool party. You and your ex may want to have an arrangement that whichever parent is scheduled for the time of a party is the one to decide if the child is going and to provide transportation.
Kids Who Are Unhappy About Visitation
/2 Comments/in Co-parenting, Custody /by Solve DivorceWhat Kids Really Hate
Most kids don’t hate the other parent. They hate the upheaval in their lives and they express it by complaining about going on visitation. At times they make it sound like the other parent is what they don’t like. “Dad ignores me. His house is boring.” “Mom makes me go to bed early. I hate it there.” Again, what the child is reacting to is the situation. Kids who live in one home with both parents have gripes about their parents, but it doesn’t mean those parents are bad parents who don’t deserve to spend time with the kids!
Don’t Insert Yourself into the Situation
In most divorces, there are some bad feelings, even years later. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that it might make you feel just the tiniest bit happy if your child is mad at, annoyed at, bored with, or frustrated with the other parent. It’s just what your ex might deserve in your mind if you let yourself admit it. That doesn’t mean you can encourage, support, or even allow your child’s reaction to go on. Your child needs two parents. Neither of you are perfect and your child gets fed up with each of you, but you’re both still going to be in his life. If you haven’t accepted that, it’s time to do so.
Don’t Be the Bad Guy
One thing that is particularly hard when you are the custodial parent is having to shoehorn your kid out the door to go on visitation when honestly you would be perfectly happy if your child didn’t have to go (you wouldn’t have to have those arguments about vacation schedules or put up with your ex being late or trying to change things at the last minute). It’s not fun to be the one forcing your kid to go when he tells you he doesn’t want to. The solution to this is actually quite simple. Tell your child it’s not up to you. The judge has decided this is the schedule and all of you have to follow it. There are no other options. You no longer have to be the bad guy and your child feels like there is a higher power that controls the situation.
How to Improve the Mood
Even if you’re able to reconcile yourself to visitation and remove yourself from the enforcer role, it still is no fun to listen to whining or complaining. Try these tips for making the transition easier:
– When your child comes home, ask him to tell you one fun thing he did.
– Smile when you hand off your child. Your mood is infectious. If you act like this is a great and happy occasion, it will rub off.
– Institute a no whining rule. Tell your child there will be no complaining about going on visitation.
– Make it clear that your child cannot cancel or postpone the planned parenting time. Often whining is an attempt to see if you’ll let the child off the hook. If changing the plans is not an option, there will be fewer complaints.
– If your child has complaints about what happens at the other parents’ house, tell her that that is something to discuss with the other parent, not with you.
Tax Time
/in Finance /by Solve Divorcephoto credit: Arvind Balaraman
Taxes are on everyone’s minds as we inch towards April 15. As if taxes weren’t complicated enough, being a divorced parent adds another wrinkle to the process.
Child Exemptions
At this time of year, I get a lot of questions about the dependency exemption for children and which parent gets to claim it. Your divorce decree may specify how this exemption is to be taken. Some parents alternate years. Sometimes one parent always gets it. So, first check your divorce decree. You should follow what it orders. However, you are permitted to change this if you both agree to do so. You may be in a situation where one parent earns a lot more than the other this year and the exemption will be of more value to that parent (always check with your tax preparer to find out if and how you will benefit from taking the exemption). If you want to shift the exemption to the other parent, there is an IRS form that allows you to do so.
Default Rule
If your divorce decree does not specify which parent gets the exemption, the IRS does. According to the IRS, the parent who has the child for the most nights in the year is the parent entitled to take the exemption. Period. It has nothing to do with who pays child support or how much is paid or what kinds of expenses the child has. This is the default rule to follow.
Head of Household Status
Head of household status is separate from the dependency exemption. Even if your ex takes the dependency exemption, you may qualify for head of household if your child lived with you more than half the time, you paid more than half of your household expenses, and you are unmarried. As always, check with your tax preparer to make sure you qualify.
MSAs and HSAs
Although the IRS has a hard and fast 50% rule for the dependency exemption, it is possible for both parents to claim children for the purposes of Medical Savings Accounts (MSAs) and Health Savings Accounts (HSAs). If you have one of these employer-provided benefits, check with your tax preparer about claiming your child.