Keeping Summer Vacation Fun in a Divorced Family

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photo courtesy of federico stevanin

Kids wait all year for summer vacation.  But when parents are divorced or separated, summer vacation becomes more complicated.  Kids look forward to long days with their friends doing nothing.  When they have a parenting schedule to live with, summer loses some of its fun.  Your child needs to spend time with both parents – that’s a given.  So how do you keep the parenting schedule from messing up your child’s summer dreams?

Plan around it. If you and your child dream of lazy days at the beach or crazy afternoons at an amusement park, plan your family’s schedule around the parenting schedule.  Try to work, clean the house, or do volunteer work while your child is with the other parent.  Save the big events for days when your child is with you.  If you have children and step children with conflicting schedules, talk with both sets of parents and look for a way to make adjustments so that you can all have family time together once in a while.

Welcome friends. One of the biggest concerns kids have about schedule is not being able to see their friends.  Make it clear friends are welcome at your home anytime.  If you’re the non-custodial parent, go the extra step and offer to drive the friends (who probably live near your child’s other home) to your home.

Make other plans. Whether you’re the custodial or non-custodial parent, it’s impossible to be with your child the entire time he or she is at your house.  Look for alternatives that will keep your child happy and occupied while you’re busy.  Look for a class or day camp that ties into his or her interests – zoo camp, art camp, soccer camp – the choices are huge.  Planning this activity will give your child something to do and will ease any guilt you might feel (you shouldn’t!) about not being completely available.

Think of yourself. Be sure to plan some adult fun for the days your child is away.  You’re supposed to enjoy the summer too and those days on your own are the perfect times to explore new places, meet people, and expand your own horizons.

Remember what it’s like to be a kid. There were plenty of times when your idea of a good time was sleeping till noon, spending 4 hours in front of the tv, or plugging yourself into a video game.  The same probably holds true for your child.  Let him or her have time to just veg.  You don’t need to plan excursions and events every time your child is at your home.  Let there be time for just being a kid.

Relax. Stop pressuring yourself to create the perfect summer for your child.  If you look back you probably will find that your favorite summer memories are of small, everyday things.  You’re not a cruise director; you’re a parent.  There’s a lot to be said for quiet dinners on the porch, picnics in the backyard, ice cream cones on a hot night, and fun in the sprinkler together.

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The Seven-Year Itch Really Does End Marriages

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A new report from the Census department shows that while divorces are actually declining in the U.S. at long last, people who reach the 7th year of marriage have a 50/50 chance that this will be the year that ends their marriage. People tend to separate at this milestone and divorce a year later.  Marriages that make it through this time period tend to last.

That ties into what I saw when I was practicing matrimonial law. Nearly all of my clients had been married less than 8 or 9 years.

The report also said that the decline in the divorce is linked to the fact that people are waiting longer to get married. Many couples cohabitate first and the average age at first marriage is increasing. People are finishing their educations, getting jobs, and testing out the relationship waters before taking the plunge into marriage, and it’s working.

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Divorce and the Adopted Child

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As if divorce isn’t hard enough, it can be even more complicated when you are trying to work out custody of an adopted child. Adoption often makes the situation emotionally more difficult for the child, and may make you concerned about what your rights are.

Legal Rights

If you and your spouse adopted your child together, or if one of you did a step-parent adoption, you may be wondering how the adoption impacts custody. Technically, it doesn’t. If you are both legal parents, you both have equal rights in the eyes of the court. If one of you is also a biological parent though, there’s a good chance the court will take that fact into consideration when making a decision. It’s unlikely a court would award custody to a step-dad who recently adopted the child over her bio mom, however it is possible because the decision is always made based on what is in the best interests of the child. If the bio mom is shown to be a poor parent, custody could certainly be given to the adoptive father.

Attachment Issues and Divorce

If your child is one of the many adopted children who has dealt with attachment issues, you may find divorce to be a very difficult time for him. He may have spent years coming to grips with the adoption itself and the loss of his biological family. Now he has to deal with another loss.

Having his family split up can cause an adopted child to regress and re-experience the feelings of loss and grief that were related to the adoption. The upset of the divorce may cause him to act out in ways you have not seen in years. Keep in mind that ALL children of divorce deal with anger, loss, sadness, and confusion. Your child’s reaction may be compounded by attachment issues, but his reaction is likely not outside normal boundaries.

Therapy is almost always a good idea for children who are going through a divorce, and this is even more the case for adopted children in a divorce. A good therapist can help your child work through his emotions and find coping strategies for the situations he experiences.

Reassuring Your Child

If you and your spouse can talk to your child together about the divorce, you will be able to set the tone for her. Tell her how much you both love her and explain that the divorce cannot change that. Talk about how you are going to work together and still be her parents. Yes, you will live in separate homes, but you will still always be a family. Make it very clear to her that the parent moving out is not deserting her or moving out of her life. Adopted children often carry a deep fear that their adoptive parents will one day give them up just as their biological parents did. Help her understand that that will never happen.

Advice for Bio Moms

The best thing you can do for your child is to work together cooperatively as parenting partners. It does not matter if you are the bio mom and your spouse adopted her – in your child’s eyes you are both her parents and she needs you both. It can be hard as the bio mom to make room in your child’s life after divorce for a man whom you see as having hurt you. You might think you and your child are just better off without him. However, when you agreed to the adoption, you made him your child’s parent forever. Divorce does not change that. You asked your child to accept him as a parent. To try to change that for your child now would be very confusing and unfair.

You have to put aside your personal feelings for the other parent and find a way to work together so that your child can have two parents who are active, cooperative, and relatively pleasant to each other when it counts.

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Teachable Lessons from Divorce

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Photo credit: Rawich

You might have a number of flippant answers to the question “What lessons has divorce allowed you to teach your kids?”  “Men/women are creeps,” “Don’t get married,” or “Hire the most expensive attorney” might be off-the-cuff things that come to you if you’re trying to be funny, but the fact is divorce has probably provided a lot of teachable moments you can share with your kids.

  • You can love someone without being in love with them. If you have a reasonable relationship with your ex, this is an important message to share with your kids, who might find it confusing that you are able to be friendly together. It’s also an important distinction for kids to learn to make as they date and form relationships as adults.
  • Never give up on happiness. Many people find it is easy to sort of float along in an unhappy marriage until an event forces them to take action and then they realize they should have made a change a long time ago. It’s really important for your kids to know that they should create a life that brings them happiness and any situation they find themselves in that impairs happiness is something to consider changing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve is another way to put this.
  • The worst times always pass. This is a hard lesson for kids to learn because when they’re in the middle of something they see as just awful (a fight with a best friend, being grounded, or losing the championship) they often aren’t able to look past their momentary situation. Remind your kids that things always do get better and tomorrow is another day. Setbacks are never permanent.
  • You can survive almost anything that comes your way. Your divorce likely taught you resilience. It’s definitely an attribute that we gain as we age and work our way through life’s ups and downs, making it something tough for a kid to come by. However, simply telling your child that he really can get through even the hardest things will show him you have confidence in his inner strength and someday he’ll come to believe it too.
  • Life is all about change. Again, that’s hard to understand if you’re eight, or even sixteen, but helping your child see life as a series of changes and new experiences can help her be more open to the twists and turns she will face. It’s important to emphasize that each change you’ve faced has had up and down sides, but that you’ve tried to focus on the good aspects whenever possible.
  • Love is worth trying for. Some teens who have divorced parents act very jaded about relationships and profess that they don’t believe in love or marriage and there’s no point in trying. Even though your marriage ended, it’s important to tell your child you still believe in love and want him or her to find it someday.
  • Respect is the most important thing when dealing with other people. Even if you and your ex don’t always get along, if you’ve tried to be civil to each other, you’re showing your child that we owe respect to all the people we deal with, no matter what our disagreements or differences are.
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Pet Custody

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photo credit: Graur Razvan Ionut

Custody of children is a hotly contested issue in many divorces, but many divorces also involve a heated debate about the custody of small furry children as well. Pets are like children to many people and the thought of no longer living with or seeing a beloved dog or cat (or other animal) can be very upsetting.

Understand the Law

If you’re in a situation where custody of your pet is an issue, the first thing you need to do is understand what the law is. In almost all states, pets are simply property. They have no special status under the law and are not viewed as children (although there is growing movement to have this changed). They are simply an object to be divided in the divorce. That being said, there are more and more cases popping up where judges do allow special testimony about the pet and make rulings that involve “visitation” with the pet.

How Pet Custody Is Decided

When a court takes the time to consider how to share time with a pet, the judge will be interested in the following factors:

  • Who cared for the pet (fed it, groomed it, walked it, and took it to the vet)
  • Who spent the most time with the pet
  • Testimony of the veterinarian as to who brought the pet in most often
  • Information about how well the pet was cared for
  • Facts about where the parties will live after the divorce and who is best equipped to care for the pet and provide a good environment

Another important factor involves whether there are children. When children are involved, the pet almost always will remain in the home with the children because of their attachment to the pet. Divorce itself is traumatic enough for a child, but to also have the family pet taken away from the primary residence is an additional blow no child needs to deal with.

Creating a Pet Parenting Plan

Because there’s no way to know how a court will react to your pet custody dispute (some courts will have no time for such an argument and will just treat the animal as personal property), if you and your ex can work out a plan to share time with the animal, you’ll be able to craft an arrangment that will work for both of you and allow everyone to continue to maintain a relationship with the animal. Some things to consider include:

  • Your schedules. Try to maximize human contact for the animal. Sitting in a crate alone is no fun.
  • Maintain a regular schedule so that everyone can easily adjust to it.
  • Expect accidents and upset. If your pet is going to stay with you at a new home, there will be an adjustment. Be patient.
  • Write out your plan so there can be no confusion.
  • Be flexible. If your pet is miserable, you’re going to have to make changes.

 

Pet Finances

Some couples work out an agreement (or ask the court to decide) about the pet’s expenses. Probably the biggest expense is vet bills, but grooming, food, dogwalkers, and training classes can also be quote costly. If you are sharing time with the pet, it makes sense to find a way to share expenses. Consider apportioning the expenses in the same way you share time. If you have a 50/50 time split, a 50/50 split for expenses makes sense. A 20/80 time split would indicate a 20/80 expense split.

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