Termination of Parental Rights

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I am asked a lot of questions about parenting after divorce. People have presented me with some pretty unbelievable situations, but there is something that I am asked about far more often than I would have expected – parental termination. Parental termination is a legal process in which a parent’s legal rights are taken away. In the eyes of the law, that person ceases to be that child’s parents, and has no more rights or responsibilities towards the child.

Abuse or Neglect

The most common situation in which a termination happens is in an abuse or neglect proceeding (not a divorce!). A parent is determined to be such a danger to the child’s physical, mental, or emotional health that the parent is completely removed from the situation and the child’s life with no further contact permitted. Even in these kinds of cases, it is considered an extreme measure and is one that takes the court system months or years to arrive at after every other alternative is tried first.

Adoption

When a parent’s rights are terminated in an abuse or neglect situation, the child is placed in foster care with adoption as a goal (at least for younger children). When a parent who is divorced and remarried wants his or her new spouse to adopt the child, a stepparent adoption must take place. However, this can only happen if the other natural parent consents to the adoption by giving up his or her rights to the child, or has his or her rights terminated by the court. A termination in this situation, when it is warranted, is often a good thing for the child. The child is adopted by a loving and involved stepparent who fills those parental shoes in the child’s life.

Other Terminations

Unfortunately, I am often asked about termination of parental rights in other situations. These fall into two general categories: fathers who don’t want to pay any more child support and want to give up their rights to get out of it; and mothers who want to find a way to terminate the father’s rights to get him out of her life (I have never been asked these questions with the genders reversed or in same sex couples, although my answer applies to all situations).

Both of these situations are deeply disturbing. It is appalling that a man would be willing to break all ties with his child and in effect say ‘I no longer want to be part of your life’ just to save some bucks. The damage that is caused by this act is irreparable. The child is clearly told he is not important and does not matter – and that money is of more importance than him. It is disgraceful and appalling. Even if a man has previously had little contact with the child, this legal maneuver still sets the child up very clearly as someone who is not wanted.

The other situation is just as disturbing. There are lots of people who have very difficult relationships with their exes. And of course there are women who have been placed in great danger by a man and want no contact. However, if a court has decided that it is appropriate for that child to have a relationship with that father, the mother must put her personal feelings aside and find a way to make it happen. Yes, it can be a pain sometimes to deal with his BS. Yes, visitation can be an inconvenience. However, to seek to terminate a father’s relationship with his child just because you don’t like him or don’t want to have to navigate the situation any more is inexcusable. Even if that man fails to exercise his visitation, he still is connected to that child and there is a chance that someday he will come to his senses and reestablish a connection. A woman who proactively seeks to remove the father from the child’s life without a good reason is creating a trauma for her own child. The child may one day as an adult feel that this choice was harmful.

Courts Weigh In

There are certainly situations in which termination is appropriate and warranted and courts will respond in those situations. However, in other scenarios, it is very likely the court will not grant the termination that is being sought. In the eyes of the court, a parent and child have a connection that should not be severed without a very good reason. Unfortunately, there are times when courts will grant terminations if both parties agree – the father to get out of child support and the mother to get him out of her life.

Parental termination is not something that should be considered lightly or without extreme circumstances.

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Marital Status and Your Kids

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You’ve probably read or heard a lot about how divorce can be bad for kids. In general, I don’t agree with that idea because it’s been my experience that a home filled with anger, turmoil, or violence is a bad environment for children. And often, divorce is the only choice, so everyone simply has to make the best of it. I’ve talked a lot in the past on this site about how to talk to your child about divorce. Divorce isn’t the only choice though, so let’s talk about other situations you might find yourself in and how to explain them to your children.

Separation
Many couples today find themselves getting separated (legally or not) because the current financial climate makes divorce an expense that is difficult to afford or as a stepping stone to divorce. If you and your spouse do separate, you need to find a way to explain what is happening to your kids. When you are separated, you remain legally married. Some people get separated, then later divorce. Others just separate and never take the final step. If your intention is to divorce, you should explain that to your kids. Let them know you won’t be getting back together and that the legal process may take a while, but that as far as the two of you are concerned, your marriage is truly over.

If you are separating on a trial basis (and many people do this to test the waters), be honest about it with your children. They have friends whose parents have separated and divorced, so it is something they understand. If you haven’t made a final decision, be clear about that. Separation can be difficult for kids (as it is for you!) because everything is up in the air and unsettled. Try to provide as much stability as you can during this time and put a clear parenting plan together.

If you are permanently separating, but do not intend to reunite or divorce, it may be hard to explain this to your child. Most kids see separation as a step towards divorce. If you are choosing to remain legally married for religious, financial, or other reasons, talk about these with your child. Be clear about what you’re doing, how you’re doing it and how it impacts your child. A marriage in name only can be a difficult concept for a child to grasp, so you will likely need to do a lot of talking about this.

Annulment
A lot of people ask me about annulments. An annulment is a legal proceeding, similar to a divorce, in which the marriage is dissolved (note that a religious annulment is an entirely different process). The difference, however, is that an annulment legally erases the marriage because it was invalid from the start. There are several situations in which annulment is possible – one of you wasn’t legally able to marry (under age, already married or not mentally fit to consent) or situations in which fraud or mistake happened, such as when one person lied about his ability to have children or about having some kind of disease. Many people are interested in annulments because they feel like they are a way to wipe the slate clean.

If you have children and get an annulment, does that mean your children are illegitimate? Absolutely not. Every state has laws that say that children of an annulled marriages are legitimate. But then how do you explain this to your kids? Annulment is a complicated idea, so the best way to explain it is to say that it’s almost like a divorce, but means that your marriage is going to be ended because some kind of mistake was made. You no longer want to be married and the court is going to undo your marriage. It’s better not to tell younger kids that it’s as if you were never married. The fact that their parents were once married is something that is very important to them. Answer your child’s questions as best you can and always come back to the fact that this situation is just like a divorce, but it’s called something else.

Unmarried Break Ups
If you and the other parent never married, the end of your relationship is going to be less formal than if you are married. You will probably find yourselves engaged with the legal system to get custody and child support formalized (even if you agree on it), so this can provide a kind of official ending to the relationship and give everyone closure. If you’re breaking up, be clear about your plan with your child. If it is not definitely permanent, explain that. If you know it is the absolute end, you need to talk about it in the same way you would a divorce.

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Terrific Resource about Divorce

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Recently I was sent a copy of Julian Block’s Tax Tips for Marriage and Divorce. I highly recommend this book! It contains information your attorney or mediator may not know and helps you navigate all of the complicated tax issues surrounding property settlements, alimony, how to file taxes (jointly, separately, etc), whether legal fees are deductible, taxes on sale of your home, taxes on Social Security, dependency exemptions, and much more. For example, if you obtain an annulment, you need to go back and amend all tax returns from your marriage because an annulment makes it legally as if the marriage never happened, thus you were never entitled to file jointly. I’ve never heard an attorney apprise a client of this fact.

Block is a well-respected tax attorney and his advice is clear, easy to understand, and on point. This is a book everyone who is dealing with divorce needs.

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