Help Your Child Cope with Long Distance Parenting

/in , /by

If you or your ex are relocating after your divorce or separation, you know it is going to be hard for your child to stay close to the non-residential parent.  However, as the residential parent, there are many things you can do to encourage them to interact and many ways to provide support during this difficult adjustment.

Plan It Out

The most important thing you need to do, when your child is no longer going to be living near the other parent, is to sit down and have a detailed talk together as parents about how you’re going to make this work.  If you’re the one moving, you may have had to get court permission and a court-approved plan for visitation, but even so, there are details that need to be worked out.  It’s essential that, as the residential parent, you make it clear to the other parent that you want his or her relationship with the child to thrive, despite the distance.  You need to emphasize that you want to support their relationship.

Spell It Out

Once you and the other parent have a plan, share it with your child.  Your goal is to reassure him or her that the long distance parent is still going to have an parenting important role.  For younger children, it can help to use to a calendar to show when they will go visit the other parent.  Color this area of the calendar in or use stickers to make it stand out.  Share all the details of the different ways child and parent will be able to stay in touch in between visits.

Plan Expenses

Discuss travel expenses.  If your child will be traveling to visit the other parent, who is going to do the driving, or who is going to pay the airfare?  Arguments over these costs are the most common stumbling blocks to long distance visitation and if you can negotiate them now, you’ll save yourselves, and your child, a lot of heartache later.  Many parents share these costs, but if there is a large financial disparity between your incomes it may make sense for the wealthier parent to pick up the cost.

Rely on Technology

The best way to keep kids in touch is to let them have direct contact with the other parent via cell phone, Skype, FaceTime, or at least an instant messenger app on an iPad. Empower your child to be able to contact the other parent himself is he is old enough.

Share

Non-residential parents often feel out of the loop even when they’re living in the same town with their children, and it can be worse if they are across the country from their child.  As the residential parent, make a point to share things that are happening in your child’s life with the other parent.  Instead of throwing out homework papers that come home, stuff them all in an envelope and mail them every week or send a photo of the really good ones over to the other parent.  Send along the school or classroom newsletter.  Email photos you take of your child and videotape events the other parents misses.

Reach Out

Don’t hesitate to pick up the phone, or encourage your child to do so, to ask the other parent for suggestions for school projects, sympathy over a sprained ankle, or help with a friendship problem.  Remember that a lot of the time our work as parents happens when our children reach out to us with a problem.  The other parent won’t have the opportunity in those moments unless you encourage your child to reach out.

Did you like this? Share it:

Back to School Tips for Divorced Parents

/in , /by

The stores are filled with binders and glue sticks so school is starting. This time of year is busy for all parents, but it is particularly challenging when you’re divorced or separated. Not only are you juggling supply lists (including impossible to locate folder colors), sneaker shopping, open houses, and more volunteer events than your schedule has room for, but you’re also managing a parenting schedule, cost-splitting, and handling all of your exes “moments.” Follow these tips to keep your sanity.

Track Expenses. If you and your ex have an agreement to share school expenses or if your ex is responsible for all of it, you need to keep your receipts. Try to buy everything at one store if possible to minimize confusion. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.

Share Supply Information. As much as school shopping can be a headache, it is a way to stay connected to your child. Even if you have agreed that you will be the parent in charge of school shopping, your ex might want to be involved. It’s not uncommon for a divorced non-custodial parent to take their child out and buy the latest and greatest sneakers, backpack, or gadget. Making sure the other parent understands what the school requirements are will prevent a hissy fit by your child when the giant backpack fails to meet school specs and must be returned.

Coordinate Events. If you and your ex both want to attend open house, make sure they know when it is. If you can’t stand to be in the same room together, arrange to go on different nights or at different times. If that’s not possible, most teachers are willing to do a quick one-on-one to meet one of the parents at another time.

Notify the School about Pick Ups. If you have sole legal custody of your child and have any concerns that your ex could try to pick your child up from school without your permission, you need to give the school a copy of your custody order and direct them not to release your child to anyone but you.

Think About the Night Before School.  Do you remember that sick to your stomach feeling of the night before school? Your child experiences that too and it’s important to do whatever you can to make the first day of school easier for them. If at all possible, have your child sleep at the home where the bus will pick him up most of the time. This will minimize tension and help him get settled into a routine.

Arrange for Separate Notifications. If your ex has the right to receive information about your child’s academic progress and school activities (most parents with joint custody do, but some custody orders directly spell this right out), they need to make arrangements with the school to have duplicates sent. As the custodial parent, you do NOT want to have to be responsible for copying and sending him everything that comes home. That being said, there are times when a teacher might send a quick handwritten note or email to you alone and it would be in the spirit of cooperation for you to share it. It is also nice to share graded papers and tests that come home.

Coordinate Calendars. Now that school is getting revved up again, there are going to be lots of events – book fairs, sports meets, science fairs, concerts, and more – scheduled for your child. Compare the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child able to attend important events. If your ex lives nearby, you can suggest they take your child to events that fall on his days.

Talk to the Teacher. If you are recently divorced, or in the middle of a split, make sure you find a moment to talk to your child’s teacher about the situation. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just occasional bad days and you want your child’s teacher to know what’s going on.

Smile! When school portraits roll around, if you do not want to talk to your ex about buying a package of photos together, send them an extra purchase order so you don’t have to get involved.

Plan Projects. It’s quite common for kids to want a specific parent to help them with certain school projects. It would be great if you and your ex could talk about this kind of situation in advance so you can already have a plan in place for the science fair project or whatever will be coming along. If your ex agrees to handle a project, make sure they have all the details, including the deadlines and specs. It’s tempting to let them sink or swim, but it’s ok to let your nerves take over and remind them once or twice about the deadline so that your child does not end up in a bind. Try to remain hands off as much as possible though, so your child and ex can have this experience together.

Remember Who School Is For. It is too easy for school to become yet another battleground where you and your ex each attempt to stake your claim – you become active on the PTO and pal up to the teacher while your ex makes calls to complain to the principal about every little injustice to your child. You’re each secretly trying to be über involved with the school so you feel connected to your child. School is your kid’s turf – a place for her to have fun, grow, and get away from the issues at home. Don’t ruin that for them.

Did you like this? Share it:

Summer Vacations After Divorce

/in , /by

Many children spend large chunks of time with their non-custodial parent over the summer. Whether your child is going across town to spend a few weeks with your ex, will travel to their home state for visitation, or is packing up to go away on a big trip with your ex, preparing for and adjusting to the absence can be very difficult.

Set Your Mind at Ease

When your child is preparing to go away, do some advance planning that will help you feel comfortable with the vacation or the trip. Find out where your child is going and get the contact information. Ask questions so you know what the plan is. If your child will be traveling, get the details of the itinerary. Make sure your ex understands your child’s capabilities when it comes to swimming, hiking, or other activities. If your child is going to another state to stay with at your ex’s home for a few weeks, find out who will provide child care while your ex is at work.

Stay in Touch

If your child is in elementary school, this might be a good time to get him a cell phone. That way, you can reach him directly without having to go through your ex and you’ll have the peace of mind of knowing you can call at any time. Stay in touch, but don’t call several times a day. You have to let go a little and let your child and ex have time together without you involved. A few texts or a call once a day is reasonable.

Pack Well

Help your child pack for the time away. Make sure all essentials are included, including prescription medications, glasses, retainers, rubber bands for braces, summer reading requirements, sunscreen, special stuffed animals, favorite toys, clothing appropriate for the weather, and personal care items. If your child will be traveling, don’t assume your ex will think to pack children’s pain reliever, dental floss, water shoes, or other important items. Talk with your ex about making sure your child follows her routine and takes her meds, brushes her teeth, wears sunscreen, and so on.

Prepare Your Child

Depending on the age of your child and whether he has been away from you before, this could be a difficult separation. Remind him he is going to be with the other parent who loves him and is so excited to be able to spend time with him. Tell him you’ll miss him and he’ll miss you, but you’ll be together again very soon. Do not dwell on how hard the separation will be for you. That is not your child’s burden to carry. Instead, give him permission to enjoy himself and have fun. Be happy he is about to have this experience.

Prepare Yourself

If you have not been away from your child for extended periods of time, the time apart in the summer can be difficult for you to adjust to. Think ahead about how you will use your time. This is a great chance to tackle some big projects around the house or at work. It’s also a great time to do something for yourself, like a wine tasting class, audition for a play, or do some traveling of your own. You will miss your child, but you may find you enjoy the time to yourself as well.

Did you like this? Share it:

The Girlfriend

/in , /by

The girlfriend.  She strikes terror in the heart of divorced mothers everywhere.  When your ex gets a girlfriend it’s challenging enough to deal with your own emotions, but when the girlfriend is suddenly a big part of your child’s life, it’s hard to know how to react.

If Your Kids Are Ga-Ga About the Girlfriend

If your child likes the girlfriend, you know that at least things aren’t completely miserable during visitation.  But just because your child is happy doesn’t mean you’re happy.  What do you do if the girlfriend gets too involved with your kids, allows things you wouldn’t, and seems to be creating an emotional attachment with your child?   The first thing to do is just give the entire situation some time.  Girlfriends come and go and this might be over before you can say ‘tramp.’

On the other hand, if the girlfriend has some staying power, there are some things you can do.  First off, don’t talk negatively about her in front of your child.  You don’t want to position yourself as against the girlfriend.  If you have real, solid concerns, the person to talk to is your ex.  If your child is not being properly cared for, it’s on his head.  It can be hard to approach your ex about this without getting confrontational, so you have to stick strictly to the facts and not get caught up in your feelings.

It’s also a good idea to make some inroads with the girlfriend herself.  Try to be friendly and get to know her.  It is possible to develop a relationship with her, and often, if she’s a decent person, she can influence the way your ex behaves, so getting to know her is a good way to change his behavior.

Remember that no one can take your place with your child, ever.  It’s ok for your kids to enjoy someone else’s company.  It’s good for kids to have healthy relationships with other adults.  And if your ex ends up marrying her, it will be a good thing that she and your kids developing a friendly relationship.  However, don’t allow the girlfriend to be in charge of visitation.  That is something that you and your ex must negotiate together.  It’s not her right or place to make arrangements with you.

Another common complaint is that the ex and the girlfriend are too “friendly” in front of the kids.  If you get eyewitness reports of adult behavior, there is a problem.  Some hugging and kissing is fine, but if they’re making out in front of your kids, you need to say something.  Politely but firmly remind your ex of what behavior is appropriate in front of the kids and what is not.

If Your Kids Hate the Girlfriend

What if your kids don’t like the girlfriend?  Some children feel as if their dad spends too much time focusing on the girlfriend and ignores them.  Some feel the girlfriend is mean or doesn’t like them.  If the girlfriend has her own kids, it can complicate things when your children are expected to take part in this new mixed family.  If you feel that your kids’ complaints are valid, it is ok to have a talk with your ex and explain that while you don’t have a problem with the girlfriend, the kids are having a hard time adjusting.  Don’t point fingers or suggest the girlfriend is a hussy (even if you think she is).  Instead make this about how the kids are feeling and say that you want to think of ways together to help them be more comfortable.  Keep your conversation focused on what is best for the kids, and not about your own personal opinions.

No matter what the situation, you have no authority to tell your ex that the girlfriend can’t be there during visitation.  If there is a serious problem with the kind of supervision that is happening, you have to talk to your lawyer and possibly return to court, but you won’t get any support from the court unless you have some solid evidence that your kids are in danger (physically or emotionally) when with the ex and his girlfriend.

 

Did you like this? Share it:

Mementos of Your Marriage

/in , /by

When your marriage ends, you work through the emotional rollercoaster and come (eventually) to a place where you’ve recovered (somewhat!) from all the turmoil. You might still be fond of your ex (or you might not be!), but at some point, you move on with your life, leaving the marriage behind you emotionally. What’s left are physical reminders of the marriage that you might want to get rid of, however your children likely have different feelings about them. Here are some tips to help you navigate your way through these tough decisions.

Photographs

One thing that will be very important to your kids are the family photos. Your instinct might be that you want them out of your house and out of your life, but these are important items for your kids. For one thing, it allows them to hang onto the fact that you were a couple, and a family, at one point. Your children likely have some very happy memories that can be relived through those photos. Don’t toss them, instead save them for your kids. You don’t need to leave framed family photos scattered through the house or a photo album on the coffee table (or digital file on the desktop of your computer), but you should try to save many of them for your kids. They will want to look at them from time to time, and that’s ok. It’s healthy for them to want some visual cues to help them process what happened. You may not want to look at the photos with them and that’s ok too. Give some brief feedback and make yourself busy with something else. Plan to pack those photos up and move them out of the house when your kids move out.

Wedding Rings

You likely removed your wedding rings at some point in your divorce process and obviously don’t plan to wear them again. Some women do take the stones and have them reset into a pendant or other piece of jewelry to wear. If this is what you want to do, you should. You can always pass that new piece of jewelry on. Some people sell their jewelry and that’s an option that is good if it works for you. Be aware that your children (daughters, most likely) will at some point be curious about the jewelry. Some children feel strongly that they would like to have the jewelry or even use it for their own weddings. If you feel uncomfortable with this, be clear that it belongs to you and you can do whatever you want with it. If you refashion it into something else, make it clear that item is a piece you will pass down. If you sell it, you might buy something else with the money that can have some importance for your family. If you need the money to pay bills, that’s fine as well. There are plenty of other items your kids will be able to hang on to.

Mementos

If you’re living in the home you shared with your ex, you probably still see him or her in every corner. Many people remodel, redecorate, or at least make some changes in their home once they are divorced. So what do you do with all the stuff that reminds you too strongly of your ex? Ask yourself if these items will have meaning to your children. A collection of shells you collected on the beach as a family or a souvenir from a family trip to the Grand Canyon are things that have importance to your children. You don’t have to leave them prominently displayed in your living room, but maybe your children would like them in their rooms. These items can also be packed up and stored away until your children are grown when you can hand it all over to them and let them decide what to do with them. This doesn’t mean you should keep every single item—be selective and space-conscious. If you need to do a real purge, ask your kids for their input on what they might like to save.

You may also have notes, letters, cards, and other personal items that were meaningful in your marriage. You are completely within your rights if you want to toss or destroy these, but it’s possible some day your kids might want to see them (if they are appropriate to share). It’s fine to store them in case your kids have an interest in them, but it’s also fine to just get rid of them if you need to.

Strong Feelings about Unexpected Things

All of the things we’ve discussed so far are things that clearly have emotional meanings. Don’t be surprised if your children have strange, unexpected attachments to other things you could never have predicted. The recliner the other parent often sat in, the pile of unused lumber next to the garage, the dusty set of glass jars on a kitchen shelf—things like these can be symbols of the other parent and children can get very upset if they are moved, disposed of, or changed. If your child has a sudden outburst about something unexpected like this, take the time to talk it through. Why does this object or objects matter to her? What do they symbolize? It’s your house and you call the shots, but if there is a compromise, look for it. Would your child like to keep the item (if it’s small!) or some portion for herself? This doesn’t mean giving in and not changing a thing to preserve your child’s fantasy that you will reunite. It’s important to be very clear about that and the fact that as the adult in the house, you make decisions about the home. That being said, having some sensitivity to your child’s feelings will make everything smoother.

Did you like this? Share it: