Want to Save Your Marriage?

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Almost everyone who is thinking about or going through a separation or divorce wonders if the marriage can be saved. Today I’m happy to share a conversation with Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters. Alisa found herself so unhappy in her marriage that she was fantasizing about her husband’s funeral.  Divorce was on her mind when a friend asked her if she had done everything possible to save her marriage. She realized she hadn’t and embarked on a four-month plan to save her marriage herself by reading self-help books and trying everything from bikini waxes to communication exercises with humor and open-mindedness. As a result, she fell back in love with her husband and they renewed their vows.  Alisa’s path won’t work for everyone, but it is definitely something to consider.

Was divorce a real consideration for you, and if so, what were your thoughts about it?

I did think about it a lot. My thoughts were basically that I was scared. I was scared to stay married because I was miserable, but I was also scared of divorce. I imagined that I might be happier if I got divorced, but I worried that I also might not be. What if I felt guilty? What if it didn’t solve my problems? For instance, what if, after divorce, I ended up having to support my husband financially anyway? I worried about whether my husband would be any sort of a father to our child if the marriage ended. What was worse for our daughter? Us staying married and me being miserable–but her having a shot of a relationship with her father? Or us divorcing and him possibly completely dropping out of my life and hers?

I was scared of what other people would think, especially his side of the family. I was even scared of the men my mother no doubt would try to fix me up with and the inevitable fights that she and I would get into over it. In the end, I worked on my marriage because a divorced friend suggested I do so–mostly as a test to see if my marriage could or count not be saved. As it turned out, it could.

You visualized your husband’s funeral, but did you visualize your divorce? What was it like? Why was this fantasy not as satisfying as the funeral?

I did fantasize about the divorce, but this fantasy felt artificial to me. My divorce fantasy was all about me having a life again. If he had custody on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend, I’d actually be able to exercise regularly again, go to a yoga class and even read books again. I’d also be able to do a lot of things that were uncomfortable for us to do while unhappily married. For instance, I’d be able to go to family gatherings again without everyone rolling their eyes about whatever hurtful comment my husband had just made. I’d also be able to decorate the house the way I wanted–without having to consult him or talk him into things. My divorce fantasy was really about freedom–the freedom to be the person I wanted to be. Eventually I realized that I could be that person without actually getting divorced.

How different would your life be now if you had gotten a divorce? Would it be all bad or would there be positive aspects?

This is a hard question for me to answer because I’m in love with my husband again. So now when I think of divorce, it hurts and I think, “Oh I would miss him so much.” And now I tend to notice what I WOULDN’T have if we were divorced. For instance, he really does change all the light-bulbs, especially the funny odd kinds that you can’t find in a normal store. He also unclogs the drains and he fixes my car for me. Sure, I am perfectly able to do such things on my own, but I don’t enjoy them. So I’m thankful that I have him around!

Had we divorced when we were unhappy, I’m sure I wouldn’t be thinking any of that, though. I have a feeling that I would have found a way to be happy no matter what. That’s the way I am. I am a problem solver. So if the marriage ended, I would have figured out how to share custody, for instance, in a way that worked. I would have found ways to be a better, more content me. I would have broken down and learned how to use the dang grill. I would have hired someone to deal with the lawn. I would get a plumber to unclog the drain if it came down to it. And I definitely would put some effort into making sure I didn’t make the same mistakes with my next relationship.

I will say that it probably would be nice to be able to decorate the house the way I want without having to consult anyone. That’s the one aspect of divorce that I still find a little intriguing. If I were super rich, I would buy two houses side by side and have him live in one and me in the other and then we would just visit a lot. That way I could decorate my side the way I want it!

Do you believe every marriage can be saved in the way you saved yours? Were you just lucky or do you think the steps you took are applicable for many people facing the breakdown of a marriage?

I think some marriages can be saved and some can’t. It’s hard to sort them into neat categories of “can’t be saved” and “there’s no hope in hell” though. I think whether or not a marriage can be saved depends on a few factors: 1) Did you really fall in love? If you married for some other reason than love (convenience, fear, boredom, money) and you’ve lost that original reason, there might not be anything there to salvage 2) Whether you are willing to see your part 3) Whether your spouse is willing to see his/her part? 4) Whether you are willing to learn and go out of your comfort zone–because saving a marriage requires you to be vulnerable, to learn a new style of communication, and to accept what won’t change.

What lessons can be taken from your journey and used by people who are already divorced and are trying to co-parent and co-exist with their exes? Is there a happily ever after apart?

I think it’s always useful to look back and try to see your part. It’s easy to blame a failed marriage on your spouse, but that sort of blame isn’t going to help you grow and it’s not going to help you in your next relationship. It’s also not going to help you co-parent. Did your communication style cause your spouse to shut down? Rather than blame him for shutting down, go deeper and think about what about your strategy itself led to him shutting down. Similarly if she didn’t support your goals, think about why. Did you not help her to understand them? In a marriage, both people play a role, and these roles become intertwined. Figure out what your role was and think about how it could have been different.

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage. She’s also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a safe gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers.

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10 Tips to Improve Communication with Your Ex

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Although your marriage or relationship is over, you still have to communicate in order to arrange visitation and discuss issues involving your kids. Instead of gritting your teeth and sending mental daggers his way each time you talk, follow these tips to make communication easier, more effective and more comfortable for both of you. The less stressful those conversations are, the easier your own life is going to be.

  1. Smile. I’m not kidding. Studies show that if you force yourself to smile at times when you don’t feel happy, it actually does improve your mood. And if you smile at your ex, you immediately defuse the situation. Warring tribes used to greet each other with a handshake to show they had brought no weapons. A smile does the same thing.
  2. Don’t talk money. Money is often the root of the biggest disagreements among divorced couples. He’s not paying what he should, he doesn’t agree with you when you want more, he disputes what’s actually owed, etc, etc. Therefore, keep money out of the equation when you’re talking about the kids or exchanging the kids.
  3. Don’t take the bait. You’re excellent at pushing each other’s buttons. So be aware of that and be smart enough to keep your buttons covered. Remind yourself this is not a real conversation. It’s a game. You win by not engaging. End of story.
  4. Plan ahead. Mentally rehearse any decisions or issues you need to discuss beforehand and boil it down to a concise, simple statement or request. Have a script and stick to it. This allows you to control the course of the conversation and stay focused.
  5. Pause. No need to count to ten, but instruct yourself to just slow down all of your reactions. In difficult encounters, your first deep, primal reaction might be to slug him. You’re an adult though and suppress that and keep your hands at your side. However, your second reaction, which comes only split seconds later might be to verbally slug him. Take a second and press your lips together or take a breath so you can get past that and allow the thinking, reasoning part of your brain to take over.
  6. Be calculating. You know this guy. You understand how he ticks. Use that to your advantage. Work him to get the situation to work for you. Use whatever he responds to, whatever helps him behave rationally, calmly, and reasonably.
  7. Focus on the future. No one wins when you hash over the past. You each have your own version and that’s that. The future is there to be shaped, so focus on what you can do to make it a good one for your child. This means no fighting about who did what or any rehashing of past problems.
  8. Face the facts. Too many women waste time struggling against the truth – this guy is your kids’ father and you’re stuck with him for the long haul. Stop looking for ways to shut him out and start looking for ways to make it work with him in the picture. If you deal with him in that spirit, everything becomes easier.
  9. Complete the transaction. You and your ex are talking or seeing each other because there is business to accomplish – kids to be exchanged, a schedule to be made, a schedule change to be negotiated. Remember that’s why you’re there and that’s what your goal is. Focus only on achieving that goal. He can throw tons of other junk at you, but you’ve got to keep your eye on the final goal.
  10. Run. Not literally. But when you’ve completed the transaction, get out. This is where you get into trouble if you don’t move on. If you’re not working on a specific goal, you’ve got lots of room to pick at each other. Don’t let it happen.

NOTE: Please be sure to see the previous post for a chance to win the ebook The No-Fight Divorce Book, everything you need to know to use mediation.

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Divorce and Gen X

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A recent story in the Wall Street Post analyzes divorce for Gen Xers (born between 1965 and 1980). This is the generation that grew up with divorce–they were raised when divorce rates were sky rocketing (I am a Gen Xer, but my parents did not divorce). I found the piece interesting because the author’s point of view was shock and surprise about divorce for this group. She grew up in a divorced home and knew how hard it was and so never wanted that for her own children. While I understand her feelings, I think she fails to consider what studies show us about children of divorce. Children from divorced parents tend to have double the rate of divorce as other children. Divorce begets divorce. Unfortunately it seems that if you do not have the model of a healthy marriage when you are a child, it makes it much harder for you to have a healthy marriage yourself.

That being said, I do not agree with parents who stay together just for the children. Yes, it works in some instances, but if you have a volatile marriage that is filled with anger, violence, emotional abuse, and other behavior that children observe, living in such a home is also damaging. Having represented children of divorce as a Law Guardian, I firmly believe it is better for a child to have two safe, secure, emotionally healthy homes than one severely dysfuctional and emotionally dangerous one.

To get back to the question at hand then, how do we help children of divorce learn what a healthy marriage is? If they can’t learn in their own homes, how do we teach them? I think it’s essential for children of divorce to get some therapy to help them deal with the home situation. If children can eventually come to terms with their home situation, they may not seek to have those needs filled elsewhere, which can lead to unhealthy relationships. I also think it is imperative for parents to talk about what a healthy relationship is like (assuming they can!). Expose your kids to people in long-term marriages and ask them to talk to your kids about how to make it work. Pre-marital counseling is very useful for couples who have divorced parents, but often unhealthy patterns have developed by the time you get to counseling.

Divorce need not be inevitable for kids of divorced parents and Gen X needs to think about how they can keep divorce from spreading to the next generation.

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The Seven-Year Itch Really Does End Marriages

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A new report from the Census department shows that while divorces are actually declining in the U.S. at long last, people who reach the 7th year of marriage have a 50/50 chance that this will be the year that ends their marriage. People tend to separate at this milestone and divorce a year later.  Marriages that make it through this time period tend to last.

That ties into what I saw when I was practicing matrimonial law. Nearly all of my clients had been married less than 8 or 9 years.

The report also said that the decline in the divorce is linked to the fact that people are waiting longer to get married. Many couples cohabitate first and the average age at first marriage is increasing. People are finishing their educations, getting jobs, and testing out the relationship waters before taking the plunge into marriage, and it’s working.

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Teachable Lessons from Divorce

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Photo credit: Rawich

You might have a number of flippant answers to the question “What lessons has divorce allowed you to teach your kids?”  “Men/women are creeps,” “Don’t get married,” or “Hire the most expensive attorney” might be off-the-cuff things that come to you if you’re trying to be funny, but the fact is divorce has probably provided a lot of teachable moments you can share with your kids.

  • You can love someone without being in love with them. If you have a reasonable relationship with your ex, this is an important message to share with your kids, who might find it confusing that you are able to be friendly together. It’s also an important distinction for kids to learn to make as they date and form relationships as adults.
  • Never give up on happiness. Many people find it is easy to sort of float along in an unhappy marriage until an event forces them to take action and then they realize they should have made a change a long time ago. It’s really important for your kids to know that they should create a life that brings them happiness and any situation they find themselves in that impairs happiness is something to consider changing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve is another way to put this.
  • The worst times always pass. This is a hard lesson for kids to learn because when they’re in the middle of something they see as just awful (a fight with a best friend, being grounded, or losing the championship) they often aren’t able to look past their momentary situation. Remind your kids that things always do get better and tomorrow is another day. Setbacks are never permanent.
  • You can survive almost anything that comes your way. Your divorce likely taught you resilience. It’s definitely an attribute that we gain as we age and work our way through life’s ups and downs, making it something tough for a kid to come by. However, simply telling your child that he really can get through even the hardest things will show him you have confidence in his inner strength and someday he’ll come to believe it too.
  • Life is all about change. Again, that’s hard to understand if you’re eight, or even sixteen, but helping your child see life as a series of changes and new experiences can help her be more open to the twists and turns she will face. It’s important to emphasize that each change you’ve faced has had up and down sides, but that you’ve tried to focus on the good aspects whenever possible.
  • Love is worth trying for. Some teens who have divorced parents act very jaded about relationships and profess that they don’t believe in love or marriage and there’s no point in trying. Even though your marriage ended, it’s important to tell your child you still believe in love and want him or her to find it someday.
  • Respect is the most important thing when dealing with other people. Even if you and your ex don’t always get along, if you’ve tried to be civil to each other, you’re showing your child that we owe respect to all the people we deal with, no matter what our disagreements or differences are.
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