Help Your Child Cope with Long Distance Parenting

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If you or your ex are relocating after your divorce or separation, you know it is going to be hard for your child to stay close to the non-residential parent.  However, as the residential parent, there are many things you can do to encourage them to interact and many ways to provide support during this difficult adjustment.

Plan It Out

The most important thing you need to do, when your child is no longer going to be living near the other parent, is to sit down and have a detailed talk together as parents about how you’re going to make this work.  If you’re the one moving, you may have had to get court permission and a court-approved plan for visitation, but even so, there are details that need to be worked out.  It’s essential that, as the residential parent, you make it clear to the other parent that you want his or her relationship with the child to thrive, despite the distance.  You need to emphasize that you want to support their relationship.

Spell It Out

Once you and the other parent have a plan, share it with your child.  Your goal is to reassure him or her that the long distance parent is still going to have an parenting important role.  For younger children, it can help to use to a calendar to show when they will go visit the other parent.  Color this area of the calendar in or use stickers to make it stand out.  Share all the details of the different ways child and parent will be able to stay in touch in between visits.

Plan Expenses

Discuss travel expenses.  If your child will be traveling to visit the other parent, who is going to do the driving, or who is going to pay the airfare?  Arguments over these costs are the most common stumbling blocks to long distance visitation and if you can negotiate them now, you’ll save yourselves, and your child, a lot of heartache later.  Many parents share these costs, but if there is a large financial disparity between your incomes it may make sense for the wealthier parent to pick up the cost.

Rely on Technology

The best way to keep kids in touch is to let them have direct contact with the other parent via cell phone, Skype, FaceTime, or at least an instant messenger app on an iPad. Empower your child to be able to contact the other parent himself is he is old enough.

Share

Non-residential parents often feel out of the loop even when they’re living in the same town with their children, and it can be worse if they are across the country from their child.  As the residential parent, make a point to share things that are happening in your child’s life with the other parent.  Instead of throwing out homework papers that come home, stuff them all in an envelope and mail them every week or send a photo of the really good ones over to the other parent.  Send along the school or classroom newsletter.  Email photos you take of your child and videotape events the other parents misses.

Reach Out

Don’t hesitate to pick up the phone, or encourage your child to do so, to ask the other parent for suggestions for school projects, sympathy over a sprained ankle, or help with a friendship problem.  Remember that a lot of the time our work as parents happens when our children reach out to us with a problem.  The other parent won’t have the opportunity in those moments unless you encourage your child to reach out.

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Children’s Rights in a Divorce

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When you’re going through a divorce or custody dispute, your focus is on your rights. Your ex has the same focus. It’s every man (and woman) for himself in this situation. And rightly so—if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will. However, what is often lost in all of this is your children’s rights.

The Law

Custody laws are not written to highlight children’s rights. They address the parents and what they can seek from the court. The children are minors and have no official say in the case, however their situation, and sometimes their opinion, is very important to the court.

Because of this, courts appoint Law Guardians or Guardians ad litem to represent the children’s interests and to speak for them. Children who are over age 12 have a very important voice in the case, and the older the children are, the more persuasive their opinions will be. But most states do not lay out specific rights that are given to children.

Understanding the Underlying Rights at Stake

Custody cases certainly are emotional and high stakes. Because of this, what is often lost sight of by the parents is what the children are entitled to. Although your state probably does not enunciate your children’s rights, they are understood to have some. Here’s a list of what your children’s rights are in your custody case (the only exceptions applied would be for the children’s safety):

  • To have a meaningful, ongoing relationship with both parents
  • To live in a safe, healthy environment
  • To have their situations, needs, and opinions considered when making custody decisions, without feeling responsibility for anything
  • Not to be used as pawns or bargaining chips
  • To have a childhood that is not plagued by adults’ problems
  • To be adequately financially supported
  • To understand they are not responsible for the divorce or dispute between their parents
  • To receive adequate medical care
  • To be shielded from fighting, arguing, and cruelty between their parents
  • To be able to attend the same school regularly
  • To never be required to carry messages between parents
  • To have some time to spend with friends
  • To live with their siblings, if possible, and spend significant time with half-siblings
  • To spend meaningful time with grandparents
  • To have a parenting schedule that fits their needs first, then the needs of their parents
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Summer Vacations After Divorce

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Many children spend large chunks of time with their non-custodial parent over the summer. Whether your child is going across town to spend a few weeks with your ex, will travel to their home state for visitation, or is packing up to go away on a big trip with your ex, preparing for and adjusting to the absence can be very difficult.

Set Your Mind at Ease

When your child is preparing to go away, do some advance planning that will help you feel comfortable with the vacation or the trip. Find out where your child is going and get the contact information. Ask questions so you know what the plan is. If your child will be traveling, get the details of the itinerary. Make sure your ex understands your child’s capabilities when it comes to swimming, hiking, or other activities. If your child is going to another state to stay with at your ex’s home for a few weeks, find out who will provide child care while your ex is at work.

Stay in Touch

If your child is in elementary school, this might be a good time to get him a cell phone. That way, you can reach him directly without having to go through your ex and you’ll have the peace of mind of knowing you can call at any time. Stay in touch, but don’t call several times a day. You have to let go a little and let your child and ex have time together without you involved. A few texts or a call once a day is reasonable.

Pack Well

Help your child pack for the time away. Make sure all essentials are included, including prescription medications, glasses, retainers, rubber bands for braces, summer reading requirements, sunscreen, special stuffed animals, favorite toys, clothing appropriate for the weather, and personal care items. If your child will be traveling, don’t assume your ex will think to pack children’s pain reliever, dental floss, water shoes, or other important items. Talk with your ex about making sure your child follows her routine and takes her meds, brushes her teeth, wears sunscreen, and so on.

Prepare Your Child

Depending on the age of your child and whether he has been away from you before, this could be a difficult separation. Remind him he is going to be with the other parent who loves him and is so excited to be able to spend time with him. Tell him you’ll miss him and he’ll miss you, but you’ll be together again very soon. Do not dwell on how hard the separation will be for you. That is not your child’s burden to carry. Instead, give him permission to enjoy himself and have fun. Be happy he is about to have this experience.

Prepare Yourself

If you have not been away from your child for extended periods of time, the time apart in the summer can be difficult for you to adjust to. Think ahead about how you will use your time. This is a great chance to tackle some big projects around the house or at work. It’s also a great time to do something for yourself, like a wine tasting class, audition for a play, or do some traveling of your own. You will miss your child, but you may find you enjoy the time to yourself as well.

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The Girlfriend

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The girlfriend.  She strikes terror in the heart of divorced mothers everywhere.  When your ex gets a girlfriend it’s challenging enough to deal with your own emotions, but when the girlfriend is suddenly a big part of your child’s life, it’s hard to know how to react.

If Your Kids Are Ga-Ga About the Girlfriend

If your child likes the girlfriend, you know that at least things aren’t completely miserable during visitation.  But just because your child is happy doesn’t mean you’re happy.  What do you do if the girlfriend gets too involved with your kids, allows things you wouldn’t, and seems to be creating an emotional attachment with your child?   The first thing to do is just give the entire situation some time.  Girlfriends come and go and this might be over before you can say ‘tramp.’

On the other hand, if the girlfriend has some staying power, there are some things you can do.  First off, don’t talk negatively about her in front of your child.  You don’t want to position yourself as against the girlfriend.  If you have real, solid concerns, the person to talk to is your ex.  If your child is not being properly cared for, it’s on his head.  It can be hard to approach your ex about this without getting confrontational, so you have to stick strictly to the facts and not get caught up in your feelings.

It’s also a good idea to make some inroads with the girlfriend herself.  Try to be friendly and get to know her.  It is possible to develop a relationship with her, and often, if she’s a decent person, she can influence the way your ex behaves, so getting to know her is a good way to change his behavior.

Remember that no one can take your place with your child, ever.  It’s ok for your kids to enjoy someone else’s company.  It’s good for kids to have healthy relationships with other adults.  And if your ex ends up marrying her, it will be a good thing that she and your kids developing a friendly relationship.  However, don’t allow the girlfriend to be in charge of visitation.  That is something that you and your ex must negotiate together.  It’s not her right or place to make arrangements with you.

Another common complaint is that the ex and the girlfriend are too “friendly” in front of the kids.  If you get eyewitness reports of adult behavior, there is a problem.  Some hugging and kissing is fine, but if they’re making out in front of your kids, you need to say something.  Politely but firmly remind your ex of what behavior is appropriate in front of the kids and what is not.

If Your Kids Hate the Girlfriend

What if your kids don’t like the girlfriend?  Some children feel as if their dad spends too much time focusing on the girlfriend and ignores them.  Some feel the girlfriend is mean or doesn’t like them.  If the girlfriend has her own kids, it can complicate things when your children are expected to take part in this new mixed family.  If you feel that your kids’ complaints are valid, it is ok to have a talk with your ex and explain that while you don’t have a problem with the girlfriend, the kids are having a hard time adjusting.  Don’t point fingers or suggest the girlfriend is a hussy (even if you think she is).  Instead make this about how the kids are feeling and say that you want to think of ways together to help them be more comfortable.  Keep your conversation focused on what is best for the kids, and not about your own personal opinions.

No matter what the situation, you have no authority to tell your ex that the girlfriend can’t be there during visitation.  If there is a serious problem with the kind of supervision that is happening, you have to talk to your lawyer and possibly return to court, but you won’t get any support from the court unless you have some solid evidence that your kids are in danger (physically or emotionally) when with the ex and his girlfriend.

 

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Help Your Child Cope with Parental Relocation

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If you or your ex are relocating, you know it is going to be hard for your child to stay close to the non-residential parent.  However, if you are the residential parent, there are many things you can do to encourage them to interact and many ways to provide support during this difficult adjustment.

Plan It Out

The most important thing you need to do when your child is no longer going to be living near the other parent is to sit down and have a detailed talk together as parents about how you’re going to make this work.  If you’re the one moving, you may have had to get court permission and a court-approved plan for visitation, but even so, there are details that need to be worked out.  It’s essential that, as the residential parent, you make it clear to the other parent that you want his or her relationship with the child to thrive, despite the distance.  You need to emphasize that you want to support their relationship.

Spell It Out

Once you and the other parent have a plan, share it with your child.  Your goal is to reassure your child that the long-distance parent is still going to have an parenting important role.  For younger children, it can help to use to a calendar to show when they will go visit the other parent.  Color that area of the calendar in or use stickers to make it stand out.  Share all the details of the different ways child and parent will be able to stay in touch in between visits.

Plan Expenses

Discuss travel expenses.  If your child will be traveling to visit the other parent, who is going to do the driving, or who is going to pay the airfare?  Arguments over these costs are the most common stumbling blocks to long-distance visitation and if you can negotiate them now, you’ll save yourselves, and your child, a lot of heartache later.  Many parents share these costs, but if there is a large financial disparity between your incomes it may make sense for the wealthier parent to pick up the cost.

Make a Tech Plan

 

Schedule regular times for calls, Skype, or FaceTime between parent and child. If your child is old enough, getting him his own phone can make it easier to stay in touch. Create an open door policy so that the other parent can call or text the child at any time.

Share

Non-residential parents often feel out of the loop even when they’re living in the same town with their children, and it can be worse if they are across the country from their child.  As the residential parent, make a point to share things that are happening in your child’s life with the other parent.  Instead of throwing out homework papers that come home, stuff them all in an envelope and mail them every week or snap photos and text them.  Forward along the school or classroom newsletter.  Email photos you take of your child and record dance recitals, plays, or important games.

Reach Out

Don’t hesitate to pick up the phone, or encourage your child to do so, to ask the other parent for suggestions for school projects, sympathy over a sprained ankle, or help with a friendship problem.  Remember that a lot of the time our work as parents happens when our children reach out to us with a problem.  The other parent won’t have the opportunity in those moments unless you encourage your child to reach out.

 

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