The stores are filled with binders and glue sticks so school is starting. This time of year is busy for all parents, but it is particularly challenging when you’re divorced or separated. Not only are you juggling supply lists (including impossible to locate folder colors), sneaker shopping, open houses, and more volunteer events than your schedule has room for, but you’re also managing a parenting schedule, cost-splitting, and handling all of your exes “moments.” Follow these tips to keep your sanity.
Track Expenses. If you and your ex have an agreement to share school expenses or if your ex is responsible for all of it, you need to keep your receipts. Try to buy everything at one store if possible to minimize confusion. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.
Share Supply Information. As much as school shopping can be a headache, it is a way to stay connected to your child. Even if you have agreed that you will be the parent in charge of school shopping, your ex might want to be involved. It’s not uncommon for a divorced non-custodial parent to take their child out and buy the latest and greatest sneakers, backpack, or gadget. Making sure the other parent understands what the school requirements are will prevent a hissy fit by your child when the giant backpack fails to meet school specs and must be returned.
Coordinate Events. If you and your ex both want to attend open house, make sure they know when it is. If you can’t stand to be in the same room together, arrange to go on different nights or at different times. If that’s not possible, most teachers are willing to do a quick one-on-one to meet one of the parents at another time.
Notify the School about Pick Ups. If you have sole legal custody of your child and have any concerns that your ex could try to pick your child up from school without your permission, you need to give the school a copy of your custody order and direct them not to release your child to anyone but you.
Think About the Night Before School. Do you remember that sick to your stomach feeling of the night before school? Your child experiences that too and it’s important to do whatever you can to make the first day of school easier for them. If at all possible, have your child sleep at the home where the bus will pick him up most of the time. This will minimize tension and help him get settled into a routine.
Arrange for Separate Notifications. If your ex has the right to receive information about your child’s academic progress and school activities (most parents with joint custody do, but some custody orders directly spell this right out), they need to make arrangements with the school to have duplicates sent. As the custodial parent, you do NOT want to have to be responsible for copying and sending him everything that comes home. That being said, there are times when a teacher might send a quick handwritten note or email to you alone and it would be in the spirit of cooperation for you to share it. It is also nice to share graded papers and tests that come home.
Coordinate Calendars. Now that school is getting revved up again, there are going to be lots of events – book fairs, sports meets, science fairs, concerts, and more – scheduled for your child. Compare the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child able to attend important events. If your ex lives nearby, you can suggest they take your child to events that fall on his days.
Talk to the Teacher. If you are recently divorced, or in the middle of a split, make sure you find a moment to talk to your child’s teacher about the situation. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just occasional bad days and you want your child’s teacher to know what’s going on.
Smile! When school portraits roll around, if you do not want to talk to your ex about buying a package of photos together, send them an extra purchase order so you don’t have to get involved.
Plan Projects. It’s quite common for kids to want a specific parent to help them with certain school projects. It would be great if you and your ex could talk about this kind of situation in advance so you can already have a plan in place for the science fair project or whatever will be coming along. If your ex agrees to handle a project, make sure they have all the details, including the deadlines and specs. It’s tempting to let them sink or swim, but it’s ok to let your nerves take over and remind them once or twice about the deadline so that your child does not end up in a bind. Try to remain hands off as much as possible though, so your child and ex can have this experience together.
Remember Who School Is For. It is too easy for school to become yet another battleground where you and your ex each attempt to stake your claim – you become active on the PTO and pal up to the teacher while your ex makes calls to complain to the principal about every little injustice to your child. You’re each secretly trying to be über involved with the school so you feel connected to your child. School is your kid’s turf – a place for her to have fun, grow, and get away from the issues at home. Don’t ruin that for them.
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Help Your Child Cope with Long Distance Parenting
/in Co-parenting, Life After Divorce /by SolveDivorcePlan It Out
The most important thing you need to do, when your child is no longer going to be living near the other parent, is to sit down and have a detailed talk together as parents about how you’re going to make this work. If you’re the one moving, you may have had to get court permission and a court-approved plan for visitation, but even so, there are details that need to be worked out. It’s essential that, as the residential parent, you make it clear to the other parent that you want his or her relationship with the child to thrive, despite the distance. You need to emphasize that you want to support their relationship.
Spell It Out
Once you and the other parent have a plan, share it with your child. Your goal is to reassure him or her that the long distance parent is still going to have an parenting important role. For younger children, it can help to use to a calendar to show when they will go visit the other parent. Color this area of the calendar in or use stickers to make it stand out. Share all the details of the different ways child and parent will be able to stay in touch in between visits.
Plan Expenses
Discuss travel expenses. If your child will be traveling to visit the other parent, who is going to do the driving, or who is going to pay the airfare? Arguments over these costs are the most common stumbling blocks to long distance visitation and if you can negotiate them now, you’ll save yourselves, and your child, a lot of heartache later. Many parents share these costs, but if there is a large financial disparity between your incomes it may make sense for the wealthier parent to pick up the cost.
Rely on Technology
The best way to keep kids in touch is to let them have direct contact with the other parent via cell phone, Skype, FaceTime, or at least an instant messenger app on an iPad. Empower your child to be able to contact the other parent himself is he is old enough.
Share
Non-residential parents often feel out of the loop even when they’re living in the same town with their children, and it can be worse if they are across the country from their child. As the residential parent, make a point to share things that are happening in your child’s life with the other parent. Instead of throwing out homework papers that come home, stuff them all in an envelope and mail them every week or send a photo of the really good ones over to the other parent. Send along the school or classroom newsletter. Email photos you take of your child and videotape events the other parents misses.
Reach Out
Don’t hesitate to pick up the phone, or encourage your child to do so, to ask the other parent for suggestions for school projects, sympathy over a sprained ankle, or help with a friendship problem. Remember that a lot of the time our work as parents happens when our children reach out to us with a problem. The other parent won’t have the opportunity in those moments unless you encourage your child to reach out.
Back to School Tips for Divorced Parents
/in Custody, Life After Divorce /by SolveDivorceTrack Expenses. If you and your ex have an agreement to share school expenses or if your ex is responsible for all of it, you need to keep your receipts. Try to buy everything at one store if possible to minimize confusion. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.
Share Supply Information. As much as school shopping can be a headache, it is a way to stay connected to your child. Even if you have agreed that you will be the parent in charge of school shopping, your ex might want to be involved. It’s not uncommon for a divorced non-custodial parent to take their child out and buy the latest and greatest sneakers, backpack, or gadget. Making sure the other parent understands what the school requirements are will prevent a hissy fit by your child when the giant backpack fails to meet school specs and must be returned.
Coordinate Events. If you and your ex both want to attend open house, make sure they know when it is. If you can’t stand to be in the same room together, arrange to go on different nights or at different times. If that’s not possible, most teachers are willing to do a quick one-on-one to meet one of the parents at another time.
Notify the School about Pick Ups. If you have sole legal custody of your child and have any concerns that your ex could try to pick your child up from school without your permission, you need to give the school a copy of your custody order and direct them not to release your child to anyone but you.
Think About the Night Before School. Do you remember that sick to your stomach feeling of the night before school? Your child experiences that too and it’s important to do whatever you can to make the first day of school easier for them. If at all possible, have your child sleep at the home where the bus will pick him up most of the time. This will minimize tension and help him get settled into a routine.
Arrange for Separate Notifications. If your ex has the right to receive information about your child’s academic progress and school activities (most parents with joint custody do, but some custody orders directly spell this right out), they need to make arrangements with the school to have duplicates sent. As the custodial parent, you do NOT want to have to be responsible for copying and sending him everything that comes home. That being said, there are times when a teacher might send a quick handwritten note or email to you alone and it would be in the spirit of cooperation for you to share it. It is also nice to share graded papers and tests that come home.
Coordinate Calendars. Now that school is getting revved up again, there are going to be lots of events – book fairs, sports meets, science fairs, concerts, and more – scheduled for your child. Compare the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child able to attend important events. If your ex lives nearby, you can suggest they take your child to events that fall on his days.
Talk to the Teacher. If you are recently divorced, or in the middle of a split, make sure you find a moment to talk to your child’s teacher about the situation. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just occasional bad days and you want your child’s teacher to know what’s going on.
Smile! When school portraits roll around, if you do not want to talk to your ex about buying a package of photos together, send them an extra purchase order so you don’t have to get involved.
Plan Projects. It’s quite common for kids to want a specific parent to help them with certain school projects. It would be great if you and your ex could talk about this kind of situation in advance so you can already have a plan in place for the science fair project or whatever will be coming along. If your ex agrees to handle a project, make sure they have all the details, including the deadlines and specs. It’s tempting to let them sink or swim, but it’s ok to let your nerves take over and remind them once or twice about the deadline so that your child does not end up in a bind. Try to remain hands off as much as possible though, so your child and ex can have this experience together.
Remember Who School Is For. It is too easy for school to become yet another battleground where you and your ex each attempt to stake your claim – you become active on the PTO and pal up to the teacher while your ex makes calls to complain to the principal about every little injustice to your child. You’re each secretly trying to be über involved with the school so you feel connected to your child. School is your kid’s turf – a place for her to have fun, grow, and get away from the issues at home. Don’t ruin that for them.
Children’s Rights in a Divorce
/in Co-parenting, Custody /by SolveDivorceThe Law
Custody laws are not written to highlight children’s rights. They address the parents and what they can seek from the court. The children are minors and have no official say in the case, however their situation, and sometimes their opinion, is very important to the court.
Because of this, courts appoint Law Guardians or Guardians ad litem to represent the children’s interests and to speak for them. Children who are over age 12 have a very important voice in the case, and the older the children are, the more persuasive their opinions will be. But most states do not lay out specific rights that are given to children.
Understanding the Underlying Rights at Stake
Custody cases certainly are emotional and high stakes. Because of this, what is often lost sight of by the parents is what the children are entitled to. Although your state probably does not enunciate your children’s rights, they are understood to have some. Here’s a list of what your children’s rights are in your custody case (the only exceptions applied would be for the children’s safety):
Summer Vacations After Divorce
/in Co-parenting, Life After Divorce /by SolveDivorceSet Your Mind at Ease
When your child is preparing to go away, do some advance planning that will help you feel comfortable with the vacation or the trip. Find out where your child is going and get the contact information. Ask questions so you know what the plan is. If your child will be traveling, get the details of the itinerary. Make sure your ex understands your child’s capabilities when it comes to swimming, hiking, or other activities. If your child is going to another state to stay with at your ex’s home for a few weeks, find out who will provide child care while your ex is at work.
Stay in Touch
If your child is in elementary school, this might be a good time to get him a cell phone. That way, you can reach him directly without having to go through your ex and you’ll have the peace of mind of knowing you can call at any time. Stay in touch, but don’t call several times a day. You have to let go a little and let your child and ex have time together without you involved. A few texts or a call once a day is reasonable.
Pack Well
Help your child pack for the time away. Make sure all essentials are included, including prescription medications, glasses, retainers, rubber bands for braces, summer reading requirements, sunscreen, special stuffed animals, favorite toys, clothing appropriate for the weather, and personal care items. If your child will be traveling, don’t assume your ex will think to pack children’s pain reliever, dental floss, water shoes, or other important items. Talk with your ex about making sure your child follows her routine and takes her meds, brushes her teeth, wears sunscreen, and so on.
Prepare Your Child
Depending on the age of your child and whether he has been away from you before, this could be a difficult separation. Remind him he is going to be with the other parent who loves him and is so excited to be able to spend time with him. Tell him you’ll miss him and he’ll miss you, but you’ll be together again very soon. Do not dwell on how hard the separation will be for you. That is not your child’s burden to carry. Instead, give him permission to enjoy himself and have fun. Be happy he is about to have this experience.
Prepare Yourself
If you have not been away from your child for extended periods of time, the time apart in the summer can be difficult for you to adjust to. Think ahead about how you will use your time. This is a great chance to tackle some big projects around the house or at work. It’s also a great time to do something for yourself, like a wine tasting class, audition for a play, or do some traveling of your own. You will miss your child, but you may find you enjoy the time to yourself as well.
The Girlfriend
/in Co-parenting, Life After Divorce /by SolveDivorceIf Your Kids Are Ga-Ga About the Girlfriend
If your child likes the girlfriend, you know that at least things aren’t completely miserable during visitation. But just because your child is happy doesn’t mean you’re happy. What do you do if the girlfriend gets too involved with your kids, allows things you wouldn’t, and seems to be creating an emotional attachment with your child? The first thing to do is just give the entire situation some time. Girlfriends come and go and this might be over before you can say ‘tramp.’
On the other hand, if the girlfriend has some staying power, there are some things you can do. First off, don’t talk negatively about her in front of your child. You don’t want to position yourself as against the girlfriend. If you have real, solid concerns, the person to talk to is your ex. If your child is not being properly cared for, it’s on his head. It can be hard to approach your ex about this without getting confrontational, so you have to stick strictly to the facts and not get caught up in your feelings.
It’s also a good idea to make some inroads with the girlfriend herself. Try to be friendly and get to know her. It is possible to develop a relationship with her, and often, if she’s a decent person, she can influence the way your ex behaves, so getting to know her is a good way to change his behavior.
Remember that no one can take your place with your child, ever. It’s ok for your kids to enjoy someone else’s company. It’s good for kids to have healthy relationships with other adults. And if your ex ends up marrying her, it will be a good thing that she and your kids developing a friendly relationship. However, don’t allow the girlfriend to be in charge of visitation. That is something that you and your ex must negotiate together. It’s not her right or place to make arrangements with you.
Another common complaint is that the ex and the girlfriend are too “friendly” in front of the kids. If you get eyewitness reports of adult behavior, there is a problem. Some hugging and kissing is fine, but if they’re making out in front of your kids, you need to say something. Politely but firmly remind your ex of what behavior is appropriate in front of the kids and what is not.
If Your Kids Hate the Girlfriend
What if your kids don’t like the girlfriend? Some children feel as if their dad spends too much time focusing on the girlfriend and ignores them. Some feel the girlfriend is mean or doesn’t like them. If the girlfriend has her own kids, it can complicate things when your children are expected to take part in this new mixed family. If you feel that your kids’ complaints are valid, it is ok to have a talk with your ex and explain that while you don’t have a problem with the girlfriend, the kids are having a hard time adjusting. Don’t point fingers or suggest the girlfriend is a hussy (even if you think she is). Instead make this about how the kids are feeling and say that you want to think of ways together to help them be more comfortable. Keep your conversation focused on what is best for the kids, and not about your own personal opinions.
No matter what the situation, you have no authority to tell your ex that the girlfriend can’t be there during visitation. If there is a serious problem with the kind of supervision that is happening, you have to talk to your lawyer and possibly return to court, but you won’t get any support from the court unless you have some solid evidence that your kids are in danger (physically or emotionally) when with the ex and his girlfriend.